Healthy Marriages

Welcome. My name is Taylor. This is my amazing wife Stephanie. And a little bit about us, in case you don't know us. We've been coming to the refuge for about six years and been married for 12, almost 13.

And we have three kids. So we have Winnie, who's 10, Darren's nine, and our foster son Sabir is six months old. So it's a little bit about us, but enough about us. We got tons of events coming up. Okay, so the next event is May 17th, the Cannonballers game.

When there is a card, I believe they're on the back tables as you leave.

QR code, code to get a link. So what you need to do, you need to register at the ref on the refuge site and they're going to send you an email with a link to buy your tickets. So register and buy your tickets. If you've already registered, that doesn't. That counts, but you still need to buy your tickets.

Okay. Child care for that event, camp aged children can come here. They're doing a camp preview night. Otherwise your young children come with you to the game or find a sitter. And if your kids are camp age and are not yet registered for camp, you need to register them for camp because it's amazing.

So kids, camp is really life changing for that. It's life changing for us as leaders who get to go, but it's life changing for the kids too. It's awesome. So with this giveaways. So we have some giveaways that we're going to give out.

We have gift cards to 44 mills and to grounds and vine. So two favorite places. I know put my name in this. So if she calls her own name, you'll know why. But no, why don't you go ahead and pick a name.

Who we got for the first giveaway?

Jj. And I'm not going to. How do you say your last name? Yes, you. All right.

All right, you can pick. Which one do you want? 44 mils. All right. Whoops.

It's that one. Sorry, bro. All right, so for grounds and Vine, Elizabeth Perez. All right, where you at?

There you go.

All right, now, guys, here at the refuge we have a culture of honor. So if you would get on your feet and welcome our pastors Andrew and Sam as they come up and share with us tonight.

Thank you, guys. Yeah, that's great. Hey, guys, good evening.

Is it okay if we sit down in the chairs like you guys? Sitting down in chairs? We're just having coffee with some friends tonight. Just hanging out. Peyton, can we get A little less of the mic and the monitor, if you don't mind.

Just a little bit less.

We're so excited you guys are here tonight. It's been super fun trying to gather all the material for tonight and let's just say, like, the Lord highlighted even what we're preaching on tonight in our own marriages. So it's been really good. Hallelujah, Jesus. It's been good.

Praise God for that. First and foremost, Thomas. Thank you, man, for playing Thomas and Mary. You can be released, my friend. You are rest.

Go rest on the chairs. Not in peace. That would be bad. So why don't you. Yeah.

So we're pastors Andrew and Sam. We've been attending the Refuge essentially the whole 20 years. We joined the Refuge at Cannon School. So we've been here since the beginning. We were literally children, babies when we first started attending the Refuge.

So we're just super honored that we get this opportunity and privilege to hang out with you guys today and share our hearts. There's so much material on marriages, guys. You can look pretty much anywhere and find material on what a healthy marriage is. But Andrew and I really sought the Lord and just got before him and he really gave us just some really clear direction on tonight. And first and foremost, we just want to honor our pastors, Pastors Jay and Mel.

They're our spiritual parents. They're not here, but if they listen to this, then they'll know that we love them so much. We do love them so much, and they love you guys so much. I had to remind Pastor Mel that whenever I asked her to be a. Told her to be a part of the flash mob, I just said, remember how much you love me?

And she was like, okay, they love us. They were part of the flash mob. Who came to date night and saw the flash mob? Yeah. Who was there if you were not there?

Our next date night is. We're gonna have another one, but it's gonna be at the end of summer in September. Yeah. So we have quite a bit going on between now and then, as you can imagine. And the flash mob was posted on our Instagram page.

So if you have no idea what we're talking about, go back and watch it because it was really fun. Before I forget, there's a conference happening in November. On November 1st and 2nd. I think you have a slide for this. There we go.

We are taking. When I say we're taking, it means you're going to drive yourself and pay for it. We're taking a group down to Atlanta North Atlanta to the XO Marriage Conference that's happening November 2nd. We're going to go down on Friday night November 1st, and find a hotel or whatever else and have a great date night together, whatever else. And then all day on Saturday.

It is just a marriage conference. So if you have not got tickets for that, I think they're like 55 bucks or something like that online right now. There's a QR code right there that goes right to the website to register or we would love for you guys to come with us. And it's going to be a very fun, enjoyable weekend. So I would love to have you guys, if you can.

So. Well, in this entire year with Refuge young families kind of culminates. Culminates. Culminates to the November event. So it does.

If you don't me, don't know me. I like to make up words. So there was a samism. Praise the Lord. Praise the Lord.

So deep breath, everybody. We could not possibly cover every aspect of a healthy marriage in one night. There's just no way to do that. But we have a few goals for tonight that we're going to try to hit. Number one.

When we get there, we go. Three needs that women have in our in their marriages. Three needs that men have in their marriages. Clarity about spiritual roles in marriage, building a healthy marriage, kind of understanding the steps to do that. Again, there's not like a seven step to hallelujah.

It's perfect. But we have some steps that would be helpful. But we do have seven. We do have seven, but they're not like amazing necessarily, but. And then the goal of tonight, hopefully you're going to laugh a little bit if you've ever been.

Well, hopefully we're fun. I think. I think we're fun. I don't know if we're that fun, but I think we're fun. We like to laugh.

We like to have fun. So. But we also like to make sure we root everything we do in scripture. So why don't you tell us about that? Yes.

So just, you know, the scripture that just kind of defines the entire night is Ephesians 5, 21, 30. And we're going to be reading out of the Passion translation because that's the way we do it at young families. We like the Passion translation out and out of your reverence for Christ, be supportive of each other in love. For wives, this means being devoted to your husbands like you are tenderly devoted to the Lord or for the husband provides the leadership for the wife, just as Christ provides leadership for his church. As The Savior and the reviver of the body.

In the same way the church is devoted to Christ, let the wives be devoted to their husbands in everything. And to the husbands, you are to demonstrate love for your wives with the same tender devotion that Christ demonstrated to us his bride. For he died for us, sacrificing Himself to make us holy and pure, cleansing us through the showering of the pure water of the Word of God. All that he does in us is designed to make us a mature church for his pleasure until we become a source of praise to him, glorious and radiant, beautiful and holy, without fault or flaw. Husbands have the obligation of loving and caring for their wives the same way they love and care for their own bodies.

For to love your wife is to love your own self. Can I get an amen? No one abuses his own body but pampers it, serving and satisfying its needs. That's exactly what Christ does for his church. He serves and satisfies us as members of his body.

Yes. Amen. Love that. So much to unpack in that Love the passion translation, too. It kind of just expounds so much on that scripture.

All right, you guys, we're going to start with what does a wife need in her marriage? And we have three points. There's not just three things that women need in a marriage. We just felt like the Lord gave us three things that we're going to highlight tonight. So the first thing that we're going to talk about is quality communication.

The second one is love, and the third one is leadership from her spouse. All right, diving into quality communication. Women need details. We want the how, the when. How did they say it?

What did you think when they were saying it? I can't even begin to tell you how many times Andrew's telling me, like, just something. And I was like, okay, so you walked in their office and what happened? And who started the conversation? And then what were you thinking when they said it?

And how did. But how did they say it? So women need quality communication. We want to know the. We don't want to just know the headlines or the bottom lines.

We want to know the details. And you know what? Honestly, guys, poor communication is the easiest way that the enemy is going to come in and create discord and divide your marriage. So communication is key. I have not always batted a thousand of this.

I think I'm batting maybe.500 right now. Just saying. So. It's not that easy. You're doing better.

I'm trying. I'm trying. You're doing better. Look at that. See?

Thank you. Jesus. Hallelujah. But on Sunday, you did have a. Because he was like, maybe I should say this point.

I was like, no, because Sunday you failed because you were like, this was a conversation. I was like, no, you walked in her office and she said, what? And what was she thinking? And how do you like? So, no, I had to drag it out of you.

We're getting there. We're getting there. We're getting there. Are you guys having meaningful conversations daily? And by meaningful conversation, A meaningful conversation is not happening at the dinner table with your children present.

Spaghetti on the wall, or driving in the car, trying to get your kids to soccer practice or, you know, whatever it is. Like, are you having meaningful conversations? Do you guys know what each other is thinking, what area you're struggling in, what area you're finding victory in? This is one thing that Andrew and I are actually really intentional about. We know for us, by the time we get the kids to bed, we're just spent.

We're done. Not a lot of quality conversation happens at that point. I'm kind of like, I'm ready to zone out and not talk about. Can anybody relate to that? Anybody else feel that way?

Like, dear Lord, I just made it through today. Praise God. I want to stare at a wall. Actually, I don't really want to talk to you. I love you, but I don't want to talk to you.

So for us, we. A couple mornings a week, we have coffee in bed together. We do. We'll get up early. The kids are.

Our kids have always woken with a son, so, you know, they're up by like, 6, 45, or 7. So we'll get up at 6, we have coffee in bed together, and we just talk. And it's so good for us because we're able to truly, like, connect and communicate. And we talk about, like, what we're going through, what we're thinking, the areas that we're struggling in, the areas that we need victory in. And it's just a really great time for the two of us just to connect.

But I noticed that when we're in communication with one another, then we actually are thriving. We do better. I mean, I'm still picking the eye boogers out of my eye in the morning, but we're talking. No, but it's better than not. Yeah.

No, I get it. Yeah, totally. I will say this to the men. When your wife asks you, how was your day? I mean, you need to delete the word fine.

That's not helpful to her. That's not good. My day was Fine. What does that mean exactly? Fine should be removed from your vocabulary because she wants to know more detail about.

What does that mean? Tell me who you talk to. How did it go? Try to do not great at this. Make a mental journal of the stuff that happened or write it down on a sticky note.

And then when you talk to your wife next, like, oh, man, all these things happened. Yes. This is going to take effort from you. Yes. This is going to require you to actually pay more attention and figure out, all right, my wife would probably have to know the details because if it was important to you, it's going to be very important for her to hear about, but also way more important to hear about how it happened.

And I'm learning this. I am learning this. So it's very true. We don't need the boring details. Just give us the big stuff.

Yeah, but honestly, think about your relationship with God, guys. Your relationship with the Lord is not one sided. Well, it shouldn't be one sided. When you're spending time with the Lord and you're getting before him. It shouldn't just be like, God, here's all my needs, here's all my requests, here's all my wants.

And then, bye. We should have time to sit and wait for him to speak back to us. And so many times we can miss it. So if our relationship with each other is supposed to mimic how Christ loves the church, then we need to mimic that better by spending quality time with him so that we're listening back to him because he answers. And a lot of times we're just not willing to listen.

So improving quality communication in marriage and having daily conversations or, you know, weekly conversations about big things getting on the same page, but just actively and quality communication and practical tip. What's some practical things we can do? Talk when kids aren't around. That's right. Yeah.

If it's like you're peeling your kids spaghetti off the wall, it's like, hey, I have this really deep, meaningful thing to tell you. Or they're sitting in the third row and they're like, what? Just like, get out of our conversation. We're not actually talking to you. The kids that listen to everything you say, like, probably shouldn't talk about deep things right this second.

We got one of those now. All right. The second thing that women need in marriage is love. Authentic love is revealed by Jesus laying down his life for us. Men are called to do the same.

I want to encourage all of you men to learn how to speak your wife's love language. Last Month at our date night, we did an exercise of being practical about writing down five ways to speak your wife's love language. If you guys weren't there and you have absolutely no idea what a love language is, there's a book. There is a book, there's a book called the Five Love Languages. Know your wife's love language.

Because there are so many times where before we really were speaking each other's love language, Andrew would do something for me, and I would never see it because he wasn't speaking my love language. And our love languages have so changed since we first got married. When we first got married, we did pastoral. No, what is that? Premarital counseling.

And we had to write down our love languages. My love language has significantly changed. Do my physical touch is not my love language anymore. Get off me. He gets an elbow to the rib every time he tries to snuggle me in bed because I'm touched out.

I'm a snuggler. So physical touch is not my love language anymore. So if he's like, well, I'm trying to snuggle you, I'm like, well, that's not my love language anymore. So he just say it just like that too, right? He loves it when I do his impression.

I do. I do. It's my favorite thing. It is. It is.

So learning your spouse's love language and speaking it. Genuine love comes from a tender heart. Women want to be loved. The NIV version of Ephesians 5, that last little portion of it talks about love and respect. We'll get to respect, but love is for the women.

Women need to be shown love. There's no greater joy as a woman than to be shown love. As we are fulfilling the role in our house, being a wife and mother, so take time to learn your spouse's love language. And if you have absolutely no idea what we're talking about, please, please come and see us. And we will help you in this area because you'll be so effective in your marriage when you're speaking each other's love language.

So true. The Trinity is supposed to to represent the marriage on this earth. And husbands are supposed to love their wives like Christ loves the church. And wives are supposed to honor their husbands like we honor the Lord. So together, if we represent the Trinity, but individually, we represent Christ and the church.

So really paying special attention to that and learning how to love each other well, but loving each other effectively and knowing how to speak their love language. In Ecclesiastes 4:12, it says a triple braided Cord is not easily broken. The triple braided corded marriage is husbands and wives and inviting in the Holy Spirit. That's a healthy and successful marriage. Yes.

So invite him in and learn how to speak love in the way that the other person receives it. So true. So true. Yeah. All right.

Number three, when we're blowing through this, hallelujah. Yeah, we're getting. It was not this clean when we practiced it earlier. I promise you that when we were. When we were much worse preaching to our stuffed animals in the living room, it was not like this.

Number three is leadership, not domination. The most destructive homes is when someone is dominating the relationship instead of leading. Husbands are called by God to lead their wives the way that Christ leads the church. Jesus is not an absent leader. Women do not want absent leaders.

When women come to their husbands with their heart, they want to know that it's received well. They don't want to hear, I don't know or I don't have an opinion. And I can't even begin to tell you how many times it can be destructive in relationships when there's a dominating partner because you don't feel safe and secure. So everyone loves that scripture in Ephesians about wives, submit to your husbands. Husbands, love your.

Love your wives. Husbands, if your wife comes to you and is asking you for your input on something and you're. Let's imagine you're holding a baseball bat ready to strike. You know, you got a pitch coming straight to you and you strike out because you're just. I don't know.

I have no idea. I don't have an opinion about that. That's an opportunity for you to weigh in on something that's important to her, which gives. Therefore, that gives you the opportunity to weigh in on a very big aspect of what marriage looks like as far as submission to a husband who wants to submit to someone that has no opinions, that has no ideas, that has no direction. Husbands, we are supposed to submit ourselves to the voice of the Holy Spirit first and foremost.

We have to be under submission, just like we're expecting our families to be in submission. Our goal is not to lead with a fist. Our goal is to lead with an open hand. But we have to have an opinion about things that matter. And when they come to you, that's an opportunity to hit a home run because you have been prayed up.

That's the goal, is that we can have something to say. Well, and Andrew and I were talking about this, and I'm like, really? And truthfully, if I come to you And I ask you a question. I've been thinking about it for a while. It's not like something, hey, this just popped into my brain.

Women, we like to really think about things and mull them over and then we'll present them to our spouse. And so you have to imagine if my heart has been really consumed with this and I bring it Andrew, and I just hear, I don't know then, which has happened before. Trust me, I have lived this. Yeah. So we don't always need the response back in that moment.

We want you to pray about it and think about it. But being present and willing to lead in this area, women need that. We feel like there's five ways that women want their husbands to lead. This is all underneath the leadership, not domination. So five very easy ways for husbands to step in and show leadership.

The first is prayer and spiritual covering. Men need to be the ones praying in the home, praying over your spouse, praying over your wife, your children, and taking the lead concerning church, spending time in the Lord, church events, things like that. There are so many times being in the women's ministry where it's voiced that the women are carrying the spiritual load in the house. And I don't want to say there's not grace for it because God gives grace for every season. But it's not our role.

It's not like something that act that comes natural to us. I'm a nurturer. Andrew's not, you know, naturally a nurturer. It's not the role that God gave us. So for women to have to carry the spiritual load, it's hard for us versus men are given grace and the authority because that's who God created them to be.

So. Right. Putting that back, you know, the way that it's supposed to be, men carrying the spiritual, that spiritual role for your house and then women underneath. Not that women don't get a voice or an opinion, don't hear what I'm not saying, but just taking the charge spiritually, you know, going into this week and preparing for this week, last night, Andrew and I literally walked into like a minefield and we just were sideswiped by just a conversation that was really casual and it was just an attack of the enemy. And it kind of got our feathers ruffled and we got home and the two of us were just.

I mean, I was like, I'm just going to do the dishes and I'm not talking. It just struck a chord with the two of us. And I appreciate the fact that you came to me and you saw It. And you were like, I'm going to take authority over this. This was an attack of the enemy.

Tomorrow night's our big event. And I know we see what this is. So just simple things like that, like being aware, being spiritually in tune as to what's happening in your household. It meant a lot that my husband was on the same page, that his little spirit man was going off the same as mine and that he was aware of it. And you took authority over that.

That's what we need as women, because we feel safe and protective when we know that our men are covering us spiritually. Yes. Second way men can provide leadership is through being present in the home. I know a lot of you guys travel for work or you have your home a week, gone a week, or you're gone every day, or you travel around. But when you're home, man, be home.

Be mentally present, not distracted with thinking about next week's meetings. Not distracted by your phone. Be present for your wife and for your kids. This is hard because we have endless access to technology today. But, man, when I discovered the whole, like, focus button on my iPhone, I can make it silence notifications.

I was like, where am I living? Where have I been the last 10 years? This is awesome. So people can't get a hold of me, which is amazing. But being involved in other situations that are with your children.

So, for example, your kids school, your kids homework, all the stuff that happens, all the grades that you have to review, all the things that happen, the teacher meetings, be involved in those things. We. Which friends are they hanging out with? Whoever their friends are, that's who your kid's going to become. That's who they're going to hang out with.

They will become that sports that they're playing with. How they get to those sports, where are those sports at? The details of the games, man. Just as a quick side note, if you men have a heart for teaching and loving on kids, volunteer as a coach right here or in your city. There's a lot of you guys that do that.

I do that here in Kannapolis. Volunteer as a coach for your kid's team for whatever it may look like. Just spend time on the field or on the court or whatever else the case may be. Volunteer to do whatever else. If it's dance or whatever, be at all those dance recitals, be at those things.

That is really important. Then other things as well, like this discipline. Wives are 100% able to bring discipline to their kids, and they should. But they're also looking to Their husbands to reinforce what's been said whenever that needs to be happening. We can't be absent in that area.

We have to also be in agreement and be in unity together. It can't be. Well, it's not a big deal this time. Whatever. Here's some candy.

Whatever. Let's not do that. I think we should be on the same page together with our spouses concerning discipline and have a united front. Because, boy, I don't know if you guys have felt this, but your kids will play that. I'm gonna ask that parent, then ask that parent and see what the difference might be and figure out where the weakness in the fence is and kind of sneak in that way.

That happens all the time. And it will happen if we're not on the same page together. And it's not that women don't get to discipline their kids, but there's a, you know, when the man disciplines, when the father disciplines. I mean, I can only just say to my kids, do I need to go get daddy or do I? And they're like, no.

Not that he disciplines harder in anger or anything like that, but there's just that role. When a man and a husband discipline, you just need to be present and need to be available. All right, number three, affection and love. Husbands look for ways to meet your wife's emotional needs before she speaks them. If it's the end of a really long week, you've had sick kids, or this is called Maycember in our household because May is practically December with how many events and functions and things that we need to be at between now and the end of the year.

You know, it could be very long and exhausting and daunting. And there are times where I'm just completely spent. And so Andrew looks for ways to meet me emotionally before I speak them. So just being purposeful and intentional and knowing your spouse and knowing your wife of being like she's actually doing well, or this is an opportunity for me to serve her because I know that she's got a lot on her plate. Pursue your wives by making them feel like she still captivates your heart.

It's just the little things. It doesn't need to be these huge, like, you know, helicopter moments. It could just be like little notes in the car or notes by your bed or a sweet text message. But being purposeful about pursuing your spouse and just remembering why the two of you fell in love in the beginning and then providing the non sexual physical touch. When we ask for a back rub, we really mean a Back rub.

I mean, for a while there was like, we don't want anything else. Do you want fries? No. There have been nights where I will go to bed in pain before I ask for a back rub. Because I just actually want a back rub.

You put your foot in the door. I'm just saying. No. So you guys will praise the Lord, understand by the end of the night what an NST means? An nst?

An nst, A non sexual, not an std. Very important. Gosh, not the same thing. Lord, take the mic away from him. I'm sorry.

Non sexual physical touches. Those are real things. Women want them, we desire them without them leading us somewhere. If they do, hey, you know what, good for you. But it's not like we just truly wanted the back rub.

That's all we want. Wanted. I mean, isn't there like baby onesie is like, mom just wanted the background. She just wanted the back row. We just want the background.

And this happened. Yeah. So the fourth way that husbands can provide leadership is through financial stability. Again, these are things you guys probably. This is not groundbreaking stuff, but first and foremost, are we giving God our first fruits?

In this church, it is not shied about to talk about obedience through the efforts of. Of tithing, bringing forth what belongs to God in the first place. So first fruits is a. Is a biblical principle. God does not need our money, but we desperately need his blessing.

And as a husband, we can provide leadership in this area, saying, you know what, I don't know how we're going to make all the ends meet, but I believe what scripture teaches, that we need to honor the Lord with our first fruit. That's a big thing. Budgeting and bills, they're not sexy things, but they are really critical. You can get shipwrecked very quickly in your finances if there's not a plan. There needs to be a plan.

And men need to step up here and have a game plan of how we're going to make this work, trusting the Lord. But this is an area that we can step into. So women do desire to feel secure in their future financially because of some sound decision making. So if they see you men as a. I went out and bought a boat today. Oh dear God.

How are we going to pay our bills? How are we going to do. How are we going to send our kids to school? Like it is very attractive to women when men manage their money responsibly when they're not idiots with their money. Let me just put it that way.

I have no problem with understanding that some People are savers, some people are spenders. There is that old adage of, some people feel like savings is putting money away in a rainy day fund. And some people feel like savings is the difference between the real cost and the sales price. The reality is that money and future planning. Hey, plan vacations.

Hey, I planned an extra weekend trip for us. I socked away some money so we could get away. Plan for those things. That's very attractive to your wife. Husbands can display love and affection by financially planning for date nights, weekend getaways.

It shows that your wife is a high priority to you. That's a very big deal. And most importantly, it's just about being on the same page when it concerns your finances. If you know the man is a spender and the woman is a saver, just what we're trying to express is the enemy's going to look for a foothold in your marriage. And if finances is that area, just be on the same page financially and where your money is going.

And we have a night coming about this August, in August, I think it's August 18th. It's our first thrive night back after summer, so we'll be off for July. But August 18, it's about marriage and money, financial unity. How do you. How do you make it work?

We're gonna go into some more nitty gritty details. So if you're like, I need help in this area. We've never built a budget. We've never done a budget before and know what that looks like. Who's.

What is budget? What does that mean? That's a night. We're gonna talk about a lot more detail. And.

And there's no shame concerning that because literally before this happened with us at the refuge, what, how many? Thirteen years ago? Yeah, it feels good. I mean, literally, somebody came line item by line item and helped us build a budget. Praise the Lord.

From there, so much came out of that. But so basically just being on the same page financially and knowing where your money is going. There's so much security when a woman knows that they're safe with their spouse and the money that they were putting towards their kids. Tuition did not go to the boat. To the boat.

Yes. Yes. All right. And then the last thing under leadership is emotional security. Reassuring your wife daily, the I love you, I'm here for yous.

I'll never leave you. I'm consistent. I'll support you just the same way that Christ loves his church. Love your wife the same way. Husbands need to operate from love and tenderness, not anger and act accusation, showing compassion and not judgment for your wife's emotional struggles.

If we're supposed to trust you with our hearts, then being compassionate and being willing to receive it is a big thing. And husbands can display emotional intelligence by laying down self focused ambition and seeking ways to serve their family. Recognizing the power of being 100% present and embracing being a decision maker instead of expecting always your wife to be able to do this. Women do not enjoy mothering their husbands. We love taking care of our husbands, but we don't love mothering husbands.

We already have enough children we have to take care of, praise God. So there's a difference when Andrew is sick or something is going on. Got a man cold. Those are, those are deadly. They really are.

I'd rather have four sick kids. No, I love taking care of him. I love doing his laundry and bringing him a lunch if he forgot it and you know, serving him. So there's a difference between serving and mothering. So that's the primary goal.

Concerning that One thing I'll say as well back up under point A, that last bullet point, get rid of sarcasm. Something we realized the first year or so in our marriage is that if I have, if I lay a trap at her feet in the form of a sarcastic remark, I cannot expect her then to trust me with her heart. I can't do that. It will destroy the trust that you build with your spouse if he or she only expects sarcasm in return. When they bring forth something that really matters to you.

You have to get rid of that. You need to crucify that thing in your marriage. Get rid of it because it will destroy the trust between the two of you. Yeah, it's not allowed in our marriage. We said from the very beginning we will not tolerate sarcasm.

So I will never belittle Andrew for my benefit and he won't for me either. And that's something that we, again, we just want to work on it. That's just something that we have put an effort into, a conscious effort to get rid of that in our marriage. Marriage. So yeah, by the way, I know we're spitting a lot at you guys.

And so some of you guys are like, that's awesome. If you guys actually want a copy of my notes, our notes. Excuse me, you can send an email to. I'm sorry, to young families. Plural young families.

ThereeFuge.net and I will send you a copy of everything we have if you're like, I don't know. And it is being recorded too. Yes. So we'll figure out a Post it somewhere. So, okay, what does a husband need in his marriage?

We've talked about quite a bit. For the ladies, I'm going to make this very simple. First one, companionship. Husbands need companionship. And I'll explain it.

Number two, they need sex. That's very true. I'll explain to you why that happens. And number three, the most important, they need honor. And I'm going to explain each one of these things very quickly.

So, first one, companionship. It's not good for man to be alone. Genesis 2:18, that scripture, the next slide says, it's not good for man to be alone. It's the message version. I'll make him a helper, a companion.

If God said everything he had created was good, and then he realized this is not good, it's the first thing we see in scripture as far as him saying that something was not good is that it is not good that he's alone. So why is it not good that he's alone? Man was created outside of the garden. If you'll see this in Genesis 2, 7, 8, the Lord God formed the man from the dust of the ground. He breathed the breath of life in the man's nostrils.

He became a living person. Then he planted a garden and placed the man in the garden that he had made. That means that you men were created in the wild. You weren't created in a domiciled environment. You have different tendencies and different things because you know nothing other than what was created outside the garden.

You were placed in the garden after that with a role which is to tend to the garden. So that's vocation, which is why men, when they stop working, they die. You ever thought about that? The Lord said, when he's handing out judgments at the end, after the fall of mankind, the serpent this, the woman this, and the man. Because of what you've done, you will scratch a living from the dust of the ground all the days of your life until you return to the dust.

Basically. Basically, when you stop working, you die faster. That's the reality of retirement. Happy retirement, everybody. So man was created in the wild.

He does have tendencies that can be problematic when left alone. We all know this because you were running around in the garden with scissors. That's exactly what it was, apparently. So men need to be guided with the help of a help meet, which is why God said, I'm going to make a companion for him. So there was a job to do, and that companion helped him to do that job.

This is big. So that's the first reason what we need, we need companionship. So, women, if you want to really speak your husband's love language, find something that he loves to do and do it with him. I'm not talking about sex, guys. Although that's not a bad idea.

So. But I'm talking about some kind of activity that is outside of the house, possibly. So where there could be things regarding, you know, if you're. If it's a sport or whatever else. If you really want to get on the same page, do that thing with him, because it goes a long way.

Because he loves to go hang out with his buddies, because they'll do that thing with him. But why not just do it with him? So the second thing that men need, sex and intimacy. Men are visual creatures. Men connect to their emotions through sex.

But women connect to sex through their emotions. This is very important. This is why, if I spent a long day, I've not done well to actually speak to my wife's needs. And I come in the kitchen late at night like, hey, baby, ready to go? She's going to tell me, no.

You know why? Because I've not done anything to lay the groundwork. I've not spoken her love language. And she's like, yeah, no, I have no idea what you're looking for. So not here.

Next house. See you. So. But have you ever thought about this? Men and I had this epiphany this week.

Maybe you've already had this, but I apologize if you haven't. I had it this week. Why do men need sex? Why is it such a big deal? Why is it such a huge thing?

God blessed Adam. This is on the screen with a mandate that could only be completed through the act of sex and procreation. Let me explain it to you. It's in Genesis 1:28. And then God blessed them and said, be fruitful and multiply.

Fill the earth and govern it. Reign over the fish of the sea, the birds of the sky, and all the animals are scurrying on the ground, literally. God said, I've made this union. This is God good. Well, guess what?

The only way you can complete the be fruitful, multiply part is through sex. That's the only way it can happen. Which is why men. It's in our DNA to be fruitful and multiply. It's in your DNA.

What happens when you multiply? You have a family. Well, now you got to deal with all that, which is what you guys are all doing right now. We're all doing that right now. But nurturing the idea Of a family, an upbringing.

It's this whole thing of men are designed literally by God to need sex because it's the way to fulfill this huge commission from God. Now go do this. God said, okay, how do we do that? Well, you're gonna love this part, but the outcome of that is family. And that means we have to actually step up and manage that and be able to help oversee that.

It's very important. But if you've ever stopped and women, you've thought, man, my husband's a sex crazed maniac or whatever, maybe that's some of you out there. Maybe is not. This is why we need a companion to help guide some of that. It's also why men should not be left alone.

We need companionship because when we're left alone, we can go to some dark places. Let's just be honest about that. But the whole sex thing, it is a DNA driven, you are going to fulfill this need. And the only way it can happen is through procreation. So.

And women need to be sensitive to that. And there is grace for not being on the same page and not it's busy and all the things. But if you're not meeting your husband's need in this area, he will go and find other places for it to be met. That's very true. The third thing that men need, this is big, is honor.

This is actually every man's greatest need. Above sex, above companionship or anything else. It's honor. I want to turn your attention to Mark, chapter six. I'm going to read a passage of scripture.

I'm going to explain you it to real fast, verse one. And then he went out from there and came to his own country, which was Nazareth. And his disciples followed him. This is Jesus. And when the Sabbath had come, he began to teach in the synagogue.

And many hearing him were astonished, saying, where did this man get these things? And what wisdom is this which is given to him that such mighty works are performed by his hand? Is this not the carpenter, the son of Mary, the brother of James, Joses, Judas and Simon are not his sisters here among us. So they were offended. But Jesus said to them, a prophet is not without honor except in his own country, among his own relatives and in his own house.

Now he could do no mighty work there, except that he laid his hands on a few sick people and he healed them. And he, meaning Jesus, marveled because of their unbelief. Think about this for a second. Jesus goes home to Nazareth. And everyone there's like, dude, you're the Kid who?

You're just the carpenter, boy. What are you, Son of man? What are you talking about? They showed him no respect and no honor. What was the outcome?

He wasn't received in his own home. And the outcome was he could do. He could not do mighty works, miracles, the healings that happened all over the place. He couldn't do them in Nazareth because they didn't receive him. So think of it like this.

In your house, if your husband is not honored in his own home, he cannot complete the full capacity to which God has called him to do because he feels no love or respect in it. This is a very big thing. You can go to that next slide there, Joel. A man who's not honored in his home cannot fully operate in his God given capacity. It's very true.

If Jesus was unable to do mighty works because of the lack of honor there, could it be that your husband isn't able to do the same in your own home? If a man's not honored in his home, he will seek honor from other places, whether it is in the workplace, on the golf course, among as buddies, or God forbid, in another extramarital relationship. Psalm 22:3. Yet you are holy, enthroned on the praises of Israel. Other versions of that verse say, you inhabit the praises of your people.

Ever thought about that? God is attracted to the praise that brings him honor. He fills houses of worship that bring honor to him. So if we want honor in our own homes, if we want to be honored in our own homes, we have to actually. A men act like we're worth honoring, but B, women.

Think about this. This is a good illustration. If you had a big bucket and you drop a little cork, like a wine cork in that bucket, there's nothing in it but just that cork. That could be. There's a man laying at the bottom of the bucket.

But when you add water to that bucket, that cork rises. And imagine it like this. The praise and the honor you give to your spouse that will raise his ability to actually care for your needs. Think more about you, your kids, all the things that need to be done around the house. If a man feels like he's respected in his home, he will rise to the occasion.

But when that does not happen, he stays at the bottom of that bucket, if that makes any sense. So I will say this. God created Adam in his image and his likeness. Therefore we desire what God desires, which is to be honored. So that's so good, babe.

So we've gone over three things that women need in their marriage and Three things that men need in their marriage. I did mine faster, by the way. I just want to point that out. I know you did. You did really good.

I'm just kidding. All right, so the riddles. Love, practical application. We did. So we have.

Actually. Not us. It's the XO marriage. They have a seven day marriage challenge. And so we thought it would be so fitting to share the seven day marriage challenge with all of you.

And don't worry, you guys all get to participate in it. Everybody, again, at the back of the auditorium when you leave tonight, there's printed copies of this challenge. Again, you women might be looking at saying, number one, I'm already out. See ya. Bye.

So I'm not gonna lie. Seven days, even for a man, might be a lot. I'm just gonna say that at the same time, let's say you make it the five day challenge. Hallelujah. That's great.

We'll take what we can get. Praise God. So. But what we want to do is quickly go over this. A seven day challenge.

Seven daily commitments. Make love every day. It does take way more than sex to make a healthy marriage. But it's impossible to have a healthy marriage without sex. Yep.

Number two, write a love note to your spouse. A spouse each day. Just making it be intentional doesn't have to be meaningful, but just being intentional about writing them a little something to make them know that you're thinking about them. True. Number three, say nothing negative for a solid week.

You cannot nag, you cannot demand. You can't say something sarcastic. Get rid of the negativity for a whole week. Now, if you blow it on this, you got to say three nice things for every negative thing you say, and your spouse don't keep you accountable for that. So no negativity for a whole week.

All right. Number four, spend one hour in conversation while all electronics are turned off. Y', all, an hour is long for us. So we even said, you know, like, be intentional with your spouse if an hour is too long, if it's 30 minutes, if it's 15 minutes. The whole goal is having quality conversation with your spouse.

Yes. So don't get hung up on the whole hour thing, because I even think an hour is not even possible. Do what you can. Number five, pray together every night or every morning, possibly so. But it needs to be done out loud when you pray over your spouse and with your spouse.

Yep. Number six, post one thing about your spouse that you love on Instagram. Any type of of social media. The riddles aren't big on social media. So we said that we would do it in like a group thread or, you know, if we're in front of somebody and just be like, did you know that Andrew is really great at mowing the lawn?

Like he is so great at it. I got one thing going for me, you know what I'm saying? I can cut that grass, baby. Hallelujah. Mow that lawn.

Yeah. So on that riding lawnmower could sit on that seat. So nice. You, you rock it. You own it.

Number seven. Each day create one new shared goal for the future. Does not have to be elaborate. Maybe it's, hey, this year we'll take a week long vacation and a weekend getaway. That could be a goal that you have.

Or hey, this year we're gonna get our kids out of diapers. Praise God. Hallelujah. That's a shared goal. It's not us preventing that.

I know. The littlest ones. The littlest ones. So y', all, everybody who's got diapers in here? Anybody not.

Not right now. You're not wearing diapers right now. Physically got diapers. If you are, I don't acknowledge them. Just saying.

Okay, so we're going to blaze through this last part and we're guys, I'm, we're committed that we get you out here to your kids. I know you guys got young kids, so by 8, 15, I'm committed. You guys are out. So I want you guys to know that we created just a quick recrap. Recrap.

There you go. Recap of some things we talked about tonight. We're going to blaze through this. The number one. Go ahead.

Again, the recap of the night. Understanding your spouse, love language. Knowing them how to, to fill their love tank. Knowing that, you know, 15 years ago when you wrote the first love language, it's definitely changed. So if you continue to try to snuggle me in bed, you will get a bruised rib.

Many bruised ribs these days. Yes. So number two, pray together. And men need to lead with this. So this has got to be more than a dinner time prayer.

This also cannot substitute your personal prayer time with you by yourself, with God. You need to do both where you're leaning into the Holy Spirit and you're also taking time to pray with your spouse. Yeah, we even talked about this. Like we should do our quiet time together. And it's like we are so polar opposite in our quiet time.

I would annoy the crap out of him and he would annoy me. So I speak in tongues too much. It's obnoxious. I like the Bible being read to me. So there you go.

And he would be like, turn that off. So it's not so supposed to replace your quiet time with the Lord. Number three, having that consistent communication. Communication cannot be laced with manipulation. It needs to be honest, even if it's awkward or painful.

If you can't trust your spouse with the awkward and painful things, then you're trusting the wrong person. That's very true. And it needs to be free from sarcasm. I'm going to encourage every single couple here to stop sarcasm. If it's welcomed in your marriage, put an end to it.

Say goodbye to it. Sarcasm can no longer live in the refugee young families marriages. Amen. Number four. Have fun together.

Date your spouse. Laugh together. So when you say date your spouse actually plan date nights. Let's commit, hey, two times a month, go on a date. You're like, I haven't had a date in six months.

Well, that's why you're in this room right now. I'm just saying. I'm just kidding. I'm just messing. Just messing with you.

Now the point I'm trying to say is that we need to actually plan for that, men. That means you're going to sock away some money. It's going to cost you money. Yes. It's going to cost you money to take your wife on a date.

She is worth it. Okay, plan a date. Laugh together. Be intentional about it. Pursuing your spouse with thoughtful notes and gifts.

Be prepared to have intentional discussion. Maybe you write a few things out, some intentional questions. And yes, every good couple that has kids knows every date night ends where. At the grocery store. Store.

It's not a good date night unless you end at the grocery store. Because in reality, that's where we all end up at, man. It's just how it goes. Oh, we forgot to buy the Cheerios. We forgot to buy what?

For us, it's like, we need the almond milk. It's like, hey, we're near Whole Foods. Should we save the 29 in delivery and just pop into Whole Foods really quickly? We'll spend like 80 bucks in whole Foods. That's where the riddles have date nights at Whole Foods.