Intentional Parenting Part 2 | Young Families

All right, well, welcome to tonight. You guys to my left and to my right, we have more leaders that are getting ready to share. We also have some are our leaders here tonight. Oh, yay, there's our crew. Yes, we've got the Keanu's, the Christensens and the Clarks.

And you guys will hear from the Keanu's and the Clarks next week. But to my left, I have the beautiful Candice and miss Mr. Josh. Why don't you guys tell us how long you guys have been married?

16 years. Oh, I had to think about it there for a second. Yeah, I like it. And how long have you guys been at the refuge? We have been here for five years.

Five years. Super exciting. Oh, we were right after Covid. Yeah. Oh, okay.

Very fun. All right. Okay, well, Taylor and Stephanie were here with us last week and so we all know that they've been married for 14 years and you guys have been at the refugee refuge for eight. So we want to know some different things about you. What has your serving journey been like here at the refuge?

What areas of ministry do you guys serve in? Have served in? Tell us all the things you do. Okay, well, we have served and do serve in many areas. I served in MMP for a little while.

We both serve. Served in youth. Taylor just stepped down from youth. He was there for seven and a half years. I was there for five.

Taylor's one of the drummers on the band, other drummer. We both serve in the Great Adventure. We help with the orphan care ministry, refuge young families. We also lead a foster care small group and we're deacons and they make drinks in the cafe and they park cars and they do everything else too. So I mean.

Yes, I second that. Pastor Mel. They are pretty incredible.

Oh, I got it. I'm sorry, my bad. Sorry, I'm first. Okay, so tonight we are talking about, like I said, biblical discipline. What's that look like?

And how do we bless our kids with our mouths intentionally. So we have some questions. Tonight we're going to jump right into this so we don't waste too much time. So this first question I'm going to pose to over here, to my left, the Benton's. So when we hear the phrase biblical discipline, we may each picture something a little different.

At its core, it truly means looking to scripture for guidance in how we train and lead our children. As your kids grow and move from stage to stage, they require more direction into seasons that call for coaching instead of just commanding. How has your approach to discipline changed in these years? Now, what does biblical discipline look like for you in the phase you're in now? So for us, let's go back to what is biblical discipline?

And Candice and I believe that really it is to train your children up in righteousness and obedience, not really as punishment for your kids, but really as a way to foster godly character for them. And really, discipline for us is like a journey of transition because what works for, you know, 0 to 5 may not work for 8 to 10 or 8 to 12. And so our kids are 8, 10 and 12. We have two girls and a boy. And really over the last couple years, like things have really transitioned from, I'm going to say, early childhood to what they are today.

And so what that looks like, you know, for us today in this moment is we're kind of in that season of answering all the, all the whys and the hows and really trying to also give them a little bit of, you know, of extra rope so that they can have some independence, but also allow the Holy Spirit to provide conviction for them as well. But we're also walking right beside them.

So biblical discipline in our family has definitely been a journey. Like Josh said, we have come out of the just no stage and now we're in the teaching. And even with our oldest, we're moving into the mentoring stage where we're teaching them the reasons why we don't or we do. And for our oldest, just helping guide her on the path. But one verse that we really keep forefront is train up the child in the way he should go.

Even when he is old, he will not depart. Proverbs 22, 6. And we keep this in the forefront of everything that we do because no matter what, we are pointing our children to biblical truth and we're pointing them to Jesus in every stage of their lives. Amen. Amen.

You guys want to chime in on that? Yeah. I love the proverbs. They'll tell you what you need. Proverbs 13:24.

He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him. So why do we discipline? Because we don't hate our children. Amen. Amen.

But we have moved. We have a 12 and 11 year old, so we've moved from the spanking stage to the training because it's not appropriate to spank your 12 and 11 year olds. It's tempting. Discipline must be done in love, though. That's our big thing.

If we're not doing it in love and under self control, then we shouldn't Be definitely should not be spanking, but just disciplining them. It helps produce wisdom. And if we're just doing it out of frustration and not in control, then it's not going to produce anything in them or us.

Yeah. As far as how that changes, we actually have a slide of the four stages of parenting. And with this, this was something that I heard on one of the Benham's podcasts. I don't know which one could not point you to it. Sorry.

But with this, really, the four stages is how they broke it down, which I just thought was a helpful framework, which Josh, it's so funny we did not talk about this, but we saw each other last night and he had almost the exact same thing that I had for this as well. But as you can see. So ages 1 to 5, you're establishing obedience and safety. Now, one thing I will say for this stage is connection is crucial. It's not control.

And we know that personally because, like we shared last week, we came from an environment where we were told that, no, for the first few years, it's all about controlling your kids. And that just became a terrible power struggle in our home of constant correction, constant fighting, arguing. And so, thankfully, around eight years ago, when we started coming here, the Lord really started convicting us and putting people around us to encourage us on driving towards connection with our kids. So I want, I wanted to stress that especially for ages 1 to 5, where, yes, you're establishing obedience, safety, you are that commander role, but it's not control. It's still correction, it's still establishing boundaries, it's still walking your kids through, but it's doing it through connection on that.

Amen. And so then moving forward, and this is kind of where we are and moving out of in one area as well is just like Josh and Candace mentioned, explaining the. Why you're kind of that teacher trainer for five to 12 establishing those biblical principles of, okay, no, this isn't just our idea, this is God's idea. Yes. And going to Scripture and explaining why we're explaining things or why we're saying that they have to do something.

That's something that we strive to do. And then we're stepping into with our daughter in ages 12 to 18 of that coach of coming alongside her and training her and helping her make decisions and training her on things and being that, like that advisor for her to give guidance and wisdom. But as a coach, listen, a coach can still make his team run laps. Right. And so with that, you still have that authoritative role in their lives in that coaching timeframe.

But you're striving for more of that mentor role, which as the Benham's outlined here is 18 plus. And this is what we're all striving for as parents, right? That when they're adults, we're friends and we all love each other. And so that's the prayer, that's what we're working forward, is that as we're establishing these biblical principles in our kids, as we're mentoring them or coaching them, that we can land in that friend mentor role as they leave our homes. Amen and beautiful job.

Summing that up, my dad told me years ago he had a similar idea of this. He said, the commanding stage, which is mentioned here, the coaching stage. And he said, well, the final stage of the consulting stage. And he said, you hope and you pray that how well you do in the first two stages earns you that spot. As they want to seek your consultation in the years they don't have to legally, they can go seek whoever they want to.

But your prayer and your hope is that you spend enough time, effort and time actually in the word of God with your kids. They want to know what your opinion is when they get to that spot where, man, there is no, there's no rules. It's just the police going to arrest you. You know, they hope that they come to get you. The goal is that the consultation happens at home before it does somewhere else.

So, so good. The why stage, that's a fun one. Because the riddle kids are inquisitive sometimes. I'm like, we haven't even left the driveway yet and You've already asked 22 questions. You're done talking till we get to the church, which is four minutes down the road.

They like to know all the questions. So the why. The why is a fun one to be parenting through. Every parent has moments when they don't see eye to eye, eye to eye with their spouse. Let's take a few minutes to talk openly about parenting styles.

In the early years especially, there are a wide variety of approaches that you can have to parenting. So some parents strongly believe in spanking, while others lean more towards gentle parenting that emphasizes emotional regulation. Where do our experts land on this? Because we brought in the experts for tonight, you guys. We brought in the experts.

So how do you guys align? Give us expertise, advice, expertise, or do you align? Is there differences? I'm the wrong person for this.

You know, I don't claim to have this. Right. I think this is a difficult, you know, topic because I Think a lot of us are. We may weigh on one side of the fence or the other, but with that being said, you know, I was able to share last year during our teaching time that I grew up in a. An abusive home.

And by age 5, I had moved out from that, moved in with my grandparents. And it was a much more biblical, you know, structured approach. And so, you know, I have experienced really both extremes. So when you talk about, you know, how do you parent from a spanking abuse, you know, wherever that line is drawn, to gentle parenting, I really feel like what I went through as a child was able to help shape how we've been able to parent our own children. With that being said, when our kids were, I'm gonna say, 0 to 5 in that stage, Candace and I were definitely on the same page.

But I took the. I'm say, the normal father role of when the business had to be handed out, I gave the business out. Yeah, you know, yeah, she was more of the general approach, general parenting. Now, as our kids have gotten older, you know, I think our approach is much different. We're in that teaching phase.

And again, not that you can't spank your 12 year old, but it gets kind of weird. It gets weird at some point. But if you're doing that, hey, teach us about if you're doing it. If it works, let it work. But, you know, but again, we're in that stage of where we're trying to coach and teach our children, and we're trying to find, you know, we're trying to change their hearts.

This is all about our hearts, our heart transformation and really using Scripture to instruct how we teach them. And honestly, we just allow, like, normal consequences to take place, you know, versus more harsher punishments. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. So I'll be really honest with y'.

All. The scripture that you mentioned earlier, Proverbs 13, Whoever spares the rod hates their child, and whoever loves their child disciplines them. I don't know if anybody else has ever thought this, but when I first heard that, you know, he came from a very Southern Baptist background. And so it's whoever spares the rod, you know, and so I just saw this really angry man with a rod that was ready to beat their child for not speaking, you know, whatever they're supposed to, or speaking out of line, and I really didn't like it. And so one day when I was kind of meditating on this Scripture, I was like, lord, what do youo really mean by this?

And he gave me this vision of a Shepherd with his flock of sheep and he had his staff out and he was just simply guiding the sheep to where he wanted them to go. And I was like, okay, Lord, now I love that verse. Yeah. Cause he's not angry. He's not beating his sheep.

He's just simply guiding them. And so that is what our goal is. And we're not perfect with it. You know, everybody. And we're all human, we all fail, especially when we're overwhelmed.

We can get very upset very quickly and temperatures can rise and sometimes it's not pretty. And then there's the place where you go and you apologize. That's true, that's true. But it's definitely been a journey for us. I would say in the beginning of our marriage, I mean, you're still figuring out marriage, you're still figuring out what it's like to have children, and you're figuring out life.

And so, you know, him coming from a different background, me coming from a different background and child, how we raise our children still trying to mesh what we believe is right and how we raise our children. And so it's been a journey through that process. And we're to the point now that we see eye to eye. And it's pretty funny because you know your spouse so well, and sometimes if, you know, anything ever gets out of line or maybe I don't agree with the punishment, you get the look. Come on.

Oh, man. We have talked about it after the fact of, hey, babe, I so appreciate you sticking up for me in this manner, but, you know, let's talk about this, you know, and so that's just where we have landed. However, I will say that I never undermine him in front of the children. That's a good point. Because there has to be order.

And he is the head of the house and I can't come in and cut his legs out from underneath him in front of our children because then where does their respect land for him? So we've worked really hard on that as far as our discipline goes. So we have a very strong willed, dominant personality child that is really fun. Really. She's a joy.

I mean, every day is a new adventure. You know, you never know what's going to come out. So it makes discipline super exciting. And one thing that I have learned though, no matter what you believe, if you believe in gentle parenting, if you believe in more physical punishment, you have to get to the root cause of the problem, the root cause of their behavior, or maybe their disrespect to you, they're not Being disrespectful for fun or because they think it's a good idea, because that's not going to get them anywhere and they're not having bad behavior on purpose. There's always a root cause to it.

Whether that was they just got their feelings hurt and you didn't know it or something in those lines, like you just have to get to the root cause, you know. And of course it's never acceptable and there has to be a punishment to it, but we also need to find out where their heart is. Amen. That's a good word. Anything you want to share on that?

Nope. Okay, I have some, but it was very consistent. That was fantastic. That was really, really helpful actually. So good.

I will say this as well if I can be as honest as I know how. Even today think it like this. Every one of your kids has a different personality and you have to be willing to parent them based on their personality types. What works for one would probably not work necessarily for the other. I'll give you an example.

Okay, so our 11 year old son, we have him and then we have a 7 year old daughter and then a 5 year old son. So sometimes when our 11 year old decides to do some things that aren't necessarily up, what I'd like him to do, I don't get the spoon anymore. Although I have gotten the spoon many times when he was younger. We choose to do something different. Proverbs talks about physical discipline driving away foolishness.

So I happen to like that verse. So I make him run laps around the house. Sometimes he's carrying water jugs, that's fine. But what's interesting is that what I'll notice is that he'll take off running. He hates it.

He's got the water jugs and then the seven and five year old are running behind him laughing. They're loving it. They're just like, this is the best. We're doing laps. And for them it's like, this is a punishment.

We're just having fun. And he's like, this is the worst day of my life. So again, like today, some things that took place I chose. We didn't go with the physical running situation today, but I chose to sit down and make my son write out one sentence 138 times because I wanted to make sure I drove home. The point, I need you not to do this anymore.

And I need to make sure when you write it out you remember it better. So it has to be based upon your child. Based upon what? You know, that they will receive well and guidance. It doesn't always have to be just spanking.

It can. And of course, what you talked about as well, we need to make some. Some changes here. And what does it look like? So any other thoughts you wanted to add before we go on?

Okay, I'm going to ask this question for question three to Taylor. So the purpose of biblical discipline is to guide your children away from behaviors that could harm themselves or possibly harm others. So as your kids enter middle school, how have you handled the influence of friends who may have fewer rules or fewer boundaries than your family does? And is there pushback from your kids? How do you respond?

Yeah, great question. So we actually have a video to watch. Let me see a show of hands. Who all has seen the Andy Griffith Show? All right.

Okay. So just to set the stage of this video, what's going on here is Andy Griffith is talking to this guy who's like, a traveling, like, gypsy type guy. He comes in town and he really impresses Andy Griffith's son, Opie. And he's leading him through decisions that are not good. And so this is this scene that we're about to watch, I think, really captures this question.

And we had watched this years ago. And I remember after watching it, I was like, that is fantastic. So take a look and see what Andy does in protecting his son.

Well, Sheriff, it's an honor. Where's Opie? He's in school. Drag up something and sit down. They're making a new fish lure.

I gave the other one I had. To Opie? Yeah, he showed it to me. Well, that's not why I'm here. Good.

It's about Opie. Something wrong? Yeah, there's something wrong. You ate too much. No, it goes a little deeper than that.

Well, what is it? You know, I've grown awful fond of that young fellow. What's wrong? Well, there seems to be something wrong with his thinking. The difference.

Twisted on things lately. Like being able to tell the difference between right and wrong. Oh, not that that's an easy thing. A lot of grownups still struggling with that same problem. But it's especially difficult for a youngster.

Cause things rub off on them so easy. I see. You're suggesting that maybe I'm not fit company for Opie. That would seem to be the case. Well, Sheriff, maybe I do look at things differently than other people.

Is that wrong? I live by my wits. I'm not above bending the law now and then. Keep clothes on my back or food in my stomach. I live the kind of life that Other people would just love to live if they only had the courage.

Who's to say that the boy would be happier? Your way or mine? Why not let him decide? No, I'm afraid it don't work that way. You can't let a young un decide for himself.

He'll grab at the first flashy thing with shiny ribbons on it. Then when he finds out there's a hook in it, it's too late. Wrong ideas come packaged with so much glitter, it's hard to convince him that other things might be better in the long run. All a parent can do is say, wait, trust me. And try to keep temptation away.

That means that you're inviting me to leave. That's right. Well, you're wearing a badge, so I leave. That wasn't so difficult. Your problem solved.

That's where you're wrong. That boy thinks just about everything you do is perfect. So my problem's just beginning. You've left behind an awful lot of unscrambling to be done. Now look here.

Goodbye, Mr. Dave.

They don't make shows like they used to, do they? No, they don't. And I'll just add to this question something that a quote I got from Sally Clarkson that I repeat to my kids all the time, probably daily. Right is always right, even if no one is doing it. And wrong is always wrong, even if everyone is doing it.

That's true. You guys have some thoughts as well.

So one thing that we try to do is teach our kids how to hear God's voice and the Holy Spirit, because there's no Junior Holy Spirit. They can hear him. And I would rather them hear God's voice over mine in their head, because if they are caught in a situation that they might hear maybe my voice, they might go, oh, Mom's gonna be so mad if I do that. But they might still do it. But if they hear God say, you better not do that, they're going to drop the mic right there, and they are not going to.

So that is one thing that I try to do every day and be intentional of. Like, what do you think the Lord is saying to you about that? Also, it's so important for us to keep an open line of communication with our kids and to give them a safe place that they feel safe to ask us any questions. And sometimes it's very uncomfortable with the questions they come up with that. I'm like, pass.

But we try to keep that open so that they feel comfortable for it. Because when the time comes that they need advice on something, they'll come to us instead of running to a friend. Amen. That's a great word, Candice. So I got a quick story about this, about kids influencing our kids, and this happened this past week.

So we're at baseball practice. All the kids are running around, and me and the other coaches are. You know, we're all set aside, doing our coaching thing, and I notice all the boys are in the back, and they're all giggling and stuff like that. Well, we're picking up baseballs, and my son's like, dad, they were. They were talking about French kissing.

I'm like, and. And these kids are 10. Okay, 10. And. And my kids are homeschooled.

They have no idea. They. They have no idea. So I said, all right, son. We'll talk about it when we get home.

I'm like, now's not the time. So we get home, he's like, let's talk about this. He's like, what is this French kiss? I'm like. I said, did you ask your mom?

He's like, she was busy, so can you. She was busy. Can you tell me what this is? And I'm like, how do I get out of this, you know? So I'm like.

He's like, so what is it? I'm like, well, son, when a girl opens her mouth like this, and the boy does the same thing, and he's like, wait a minute. That is gross. Like, what would they do? And I'm like, another time, son.

How's that? You know? He's like, guess what? I'm pretty sure I seen mom do that to you one time. I'm like, great.

Great. Yes. It was awkward questions. Come in. They said, mom, have you ever French kissed Dad?

I was like. They're like, ew. You did? That's so gross. How many times did y' all do that?

I was like, oh, bless it. Good night. Only. Only three. But the great part about it was, you know, Josh asked him, well, what did you do?

And he was like, you want to finish it? No, go ahead. Okay. He said, I didn't really understand what they were talking about. And then when I realized it was something inappropriate, I walked away.

That's what you said, and that's what you want your kid to do instead of getting caught up with that nonsense. They're 9 and 10. Come on, y'. All. Why are we talking about that?

It's just wrong. Oh, my goodness. So sad how it just comes to find them. And you could have just been like, people from France kissing. That's.

You Know. And that's what we need to know. And we're just gonna pray and we're gonna go to bed. We're gonna pray and go to bed. Two people from France, and they gave each other a little smooch.

All right, next week is going to be all about technology, Internet safety, AI. But just as a little teaser question, we're going to talk about appropriate ages for kids to get cell phones or any other type of advice. Advice device. Are your children using a cell phone already? And then part two of that question.

How do you handle when your kids suddenly become very eager to. To join adult conversations and then offer their completely free and very confident advice?

Yeah, I mean, when do you let your kids sit at the adult table at Thanksgiving? Like, we want to know all the things. Browns, tell us what you. I just made it. Oh, gosh, I'm about to fall off.

We had a very strict rule in my house. You had to be 16 to be at the adult table at Thanksgiving. And I just made it. Just made it. All right, so on the technology piece, we actually just walked through this with our daughter, who is about to be 13.

And I actually have a slide for this that has the lantern project. Yeah, there it is. So one thing I'll say is the question asked about age, as we were talking about it, we don't think age should be the only defining factor in making a decision as to whether or not your child gets a device or a decision, however, could be a part of the decision. However, for us, honestly, what was more important was maturity training that we have done with our kids when it comes to phones and devices. And then actually, like, why do they need it?

Like, answering that question. Our daughter, she's at dance multiple times a week for multiple hours where we're not there. She's starting babysitting. It makes more sense for her now to have her own cell phone, in our opinion, along with her age of maturity and the training we've done. So with that, let me just touch base of what we have done when it comes to training before.

We gave our daughter her phone. So first thing we started off with probably, I don't know, four or five years ago is we got both of our kids these watches called Gab Watches. So Gab is the company Gabb, and it is a watch that all it can do is text or call approved contacts that you put on that watch. And the texts are pre scripted texts that we set. And they can do video or not video, I'm sorry, audio texts, but they cannot do video.

Or pictures or anything like that. So it's a great way to train in that. Part of the reason why we got it was also gives you GPS of your kids. So as we were at different places, we'd be like, all right, yeah, go play in the woods. Just make sure you have your watch.

And we'll call my son. And we're like, hey, it shows you're five miles away. Like, come on back. So with that, it's just been helpful. It's been a good tool in training them now for our daughter.

For the past two years, Stephanie has been so gracious to allow her to text her friends through her phone. Now with that, I mean, there's been times Stephanie's looked down at her phone and there's over 100 notifications from her friends. But in those situations, we've been able to train our daughter of, hey, guess what? Just because the alert came up on your phone, you don't have to check it. Oh, that's good.

Like, you're not a slave to this. And also helping her navigate difficult conversations with friends through text. If she was doing that at first on her own phone and we didn't have visibility on it, we would not have been able to coach her in that as well. So we went through all those stages, and that was for two years that we did that before we got the cell phone. A couple things on the cell phone that we decided this was not a gift, because gifts should not be taken away forever.

Yeah, right. There was a contract that we actually signed with our daughter. So this contract, it's right up there. So this is from the Lantern Project, a guy who used to go to the church here, Simon Arkley, he has this ministry. It's fantastic when it comes to this.

It may be touched on next week, but with this, there is a very detailed contract. We've read through it with her. She had to sign it and understood if this happens, you lose the phone either for a day or permanently with that. Also on the Lantern project gives very practical tools of how to lock down the phone. Her phone does not have Internet.

Like, she can text, she can take pictures, she can call us. I think we put the Bible app on there. But, like, beyond that, everything else is locked down. This thing is locked down. In addition to that, it was recommended we get this other app called Bright Canary.

It is a keyboard tracker. It will send you reports of trends and emotions of the text conversations that your child has with their friends and all of that. So fantastic tools with this. So just wanted to share that's how we've navigated that. Other screens or other things in our home.

Like our son has a Nintendo Switch. There's a great Switch parental control app that you can limit, like what access they have in there, what type of communication. You can even put time limits. I can be like, hey, your time's up and you'll be in the middle of something. His time will come up, it'll lock up immediately and we're done.

That's beautiful. I want to ask you guys this pointedly. Do your kids have a phone or a device of some kind? Yeah. So right now we do not have phones.

Our kids are 8, 10 and 12. We homeschool. They're with me 24, 7. They don't need a phone. We do have a home phone that is a old school rotary dial.

So we are teaching. Are you serious? Oh yeah. That is awesome. Yeah.

And they love it. They think it's the best. But it is plugged into the wall, it stays in the room and so everyone can hear your conversation. So if they want to call someone, they're welcome to, but it will be heard. They do have, I do recommend this if you have little ones.

We do have fire tablets. They are great because there are so many parental controls on these things. We do not have YouTube, we do not have any web browsing, any Internet hooked up to it. It's all preload or pre downloaded movies, games, things that we have pre approved. And it also has controls for if you know, they need to get something done, like how many books read before they can watch a movie or time limits on it.

So that's great. One thing that I do want to mention really quick, I know you'll cover this next week, but one thing, since our kids don't have phones, they are like just amazed by them. They think they're wonderful. And so even when other people have their phones out, they have been curious and want to peep their head over and look. And so I've been teaching them listen.

That is their space. Their screen is not your screen. And they need to respect other people's privacy because somebody might be looking at something that you don't want your child to see. Absolutely. And.

And they didn't know that your kid was looking. So that is one thing that we try to teach them over and over is don't look at other people's screens. Wow, that's a fun one. Because our daughter just learned how to read this year in first grade. So she's like, wait, where are you going?

Like reading my text Message. I'm like, girl, get out of my phone. I'm glad that you can read, but get out of my phone. I think also some of this comes from the reality. Everybody in this room knows, like, you see something that's funny, what's the first.

You got to look at this. Put your phone in other people's faces all the time. It happens everywhere, all day long, every time. So all they're doing is what we're doing. So I think if there's.

And we're going to talk about this a whole lot more next week, concerning screen time and anxiousness and that whole generation is that, hey, we have some responsibility in what happened as well. That's the truth. So we'll talk about that next week, too. But I was gonna say, our daughter Anna got a gab watch for Christmas from my parents because, you know, living on the same property with both sets of grandparents, she might need to call them. Yeah.

Instead of walking out of the door to go see them, just in case, you know. So, yeah. So I had to teach her etiquette on how to answer her gab watch. And one would think that, you know, when you see somebody answer the first phone, you're like, hello? You know, I called her the first time, and she's like, what?

And I'm like, oh. So, okay, so when Mommy calls or anybody, you don't just say, what? It's hi, Mommy, or hello. Let's try it again. Oh, hi, Mommy.

But it was just so funny. I'm like, oh, sorry, did I interrupt you? Like, what? I was like, what do you want? We're gonna need to teach etiquette there.

Years ago, Taylor told me, when your kids model, when they're pretending to answer the phone, if you're over the age of, I don't know, 30, you answer the phone like this, Right. But you ask a kid how you answer the phone, what do they do right there? They don't know any different. So a rotary phone. Who in here used a.

Like, for real had one in your house? Oh, man, look at that. All right, I've used one. We never had one growing up, but I have used one. But y' all actually have one.

I love that. Okay, question five. All right. One of the key areas of character building for our kids is learning to respect both of the parents in the house. Especially when a parent has given no as an answer, kids often try their luck with the other parent, hoping for a better outcome.

Am I right? Parents in the room. So how do you handle this in your home? Are There consequences when your kids attempt to divide and conquer. Start with you guys on this one.

So I would say for us, you know, this is a common theme in our house. Our kids typically ask Candace first because she's usually the one right there in front of them. And then typically they'll wait a little bit, make sure dad didn't hear what she said, and then they'll come find me, like, right in the middle of something. And I'm just like, hey, dad, can I get some ice cream at two o' clock afternoon? And I'm like, no.

Or, what did your mama say? That's typically my response, because I'm just assuming that they've already asked her. But I think on how you handle that as a parent. Candice and I know each other so well that I can almost answer every time whether she's going to agree to it or not. And I think she can do the same for me.

So setting up those boundaries and really just being unified as a couple, I think is probably the most important thing that you can do early in that child's life. And the boundaries that I'm talking about are, you know, you agree on sleepovers, you know, video games, playtime, all the things the kids want. You guys need to be on the same page, really, before, you know, you can come to an agreement with the children. So that's good. Word.

Yeah, absolutely. Stay as a united front, even in front of the kids. Our kids know, like, hey, me and him had each other before we had you. Okay? I love y' all to death, but you're not gonna divide us.

And we're a team, and we're one. So he mentioned ice cream. Fun story for y'. All. A couple weeks ago, I was really sick.

I don't normally get sick, and when I do sick, am sick. You know, it doesn't matter. I'm a mom. You can't be sick. But this particular day, I mean, I was just out and so I was on the couch trying to take a nap, and they ran outside and asked him at 2:00', clock, hey, can we have some ice cream?

And he was like, no, you can't. We're gonna, like, start getting ready for dinner a little bit. No. So then they come inside while I'm trying to sleep, hey, mom, can we have some ice cream? I don't care.

I feel like death. I don't care what you have. Like, sure, go eat ice cream. Leave me alone. I'm a good mom.

And so then he comes inside to find them all sitting there with A bowl of ice cream. And he's like, what are y' all doing? I just told you no. And they were like, but mom said we could. I was like, y' all leave me out of this, okay?

Like, don't throw me under the bus stop. Well, let me tell you, we had a sparkling house after that. The dishes were done, the floors were vacuumed. They worked for hours. It was all awesome.

See, it was good. What about the browns? Very similar. We are. We just strive to be on the same.

Same page, same team. And we do encounter this. I think every parent probably does when they come to one and then go to the other. And it's just. It's always met with, what did your.

What did your father say? What did your mother say? I. I agree with you. Now, a follow up question to the room. What if your kids go to another family member, say, an uncle, an aunt, a grandparents.

A lot of you guys are grandparents. So I think it's super important that there be a discussion between parents and grandparents and maybe even kids all together. Like, hey, listen, there's got to be a unified front about how we do things. We fight this all the time. We live on the same property with her parents and my parents, and they're outside all the time doing all kinds of stuff.

And I have no idea what they're doing at your parents house. I have no clue, man. Probably shopping on Amazon. Probably shopping on Amazon. I mean, it's very possible.

The reality of this is, I do think that a unified front like you're talking about between the mom and the dad is super important because there will be people, whether it's friends, aunts, uncles, grandparents, whatever that might be. Like, well, I want to spoil them. And I love all you grandparents so much. When my in law's got a dog, I love that dog most sometimes. And the reality is I get to go to their house and get that dog all riled up right before that dog goes to bed with them and I get them all hyped up.

I'm like, I love you so much. I'm gonna go back to my house. And sometimes I feel like that is exactly what happens. Many times there has to be this discussion of, okay, what do we want to do as parents and grandparents to help make sure all the communication is the same. So I do think that's really important.

So, sorry, last thought. Go ahead. Okay. Scripture reminds us of the power of a spoken blessing. So as we take a minute to consider the weight of our words, as parents, we need to understand that our words can either build up our children or deeply wound them?

Can either of you guys share a time in your life when you spoke to your child after they made a mistake? About a time that you pursued reconciliation with your child after reacting in anger, which I'm sure our experts don't do that. But I mean, let's just talk. If it happened, what would you do? Did you, how did you do reconcile with your children instead of responding in love or mercy?

Who wants to take it first? We're gonna go. We're gonna go. Bettens. So I would say, first of all, I've messed up a lot with our kids.

And so I find myself going back very often and really just sitting down with them and just being, you know, just being real and, and going, guys, I'm sorry, you know, I lost my temper with you. Or maybe I didn't have all the, you know, the details right, but I think, you know, part of that is just trying to humble yourself, go back before your kids and just ask for their forgiveness, be real with them. You know, I mean, it's not anything special, but you still have to recognize when you're in the wrong as a parent because it, I think provides a really good example for what you expect out of them in years to come.

The other part of the question talked about mistakes. And I just want to mention this, you know, from a father's standpoint, you know, I think we can be difficult on our kids at times and we can be harsh on them, but I think separating their mistakes from their identity is so key because Candice mentioned we have a strong willed daughter. You know, she can often get really down on herself and start to feel like that is who she is, but that's not who she is. And so, so as her dad, you know, trying to speak a blessing over her really just breaks those chains off of her. And I've noticed that several times.

There's three quick little, you know, practical power of blessings that I want to mention here for the fathers in the room. Number one, if you don't do this, at least consider doing these three things. Number one, when you speak that blessing over your children, what I have found is it strengthens that bond between you and your child. It just kind of knits you guys together. Number two, it provides security.

You know, spoken blessings can be a shield against anxiety and self doubt and provide some self worth to that child by speaking that over your child children. And I've just noticed that like when I do that, especially to my girls, like it puts us on a different Level, you know, a completely different level than just being, hey, I'm your dad, you're my kid. Like it. It's a bond that you can't really gain any other way. Yeah.

And then the third rate. It's a great. If you're like, your relationship with your child isn't great, it's a great way to, to just promote forgiveness and to reconcile that relationship as well. It is. Yeah, absolutely.

Same with him. I've messed up a lot and I've had to go to them and apologize, hey, mom shouldn't have acted that way and I'm so sorry. And let's work on this together multiple times. Because we homeschool. It's a blessing.

But the power of life and death is in the tongue. And words can either be detrimental to your child or they can be priceless and life giving. And what is spoken to your child is how they feel about themselves. So if I'm constantly badgering my child, and why are you such a screw up? You always make a mistake.

Why did you do that again? If that's what I'm saying, that's what they're gonna believe. Like, oh, I'm such a failure. Oh, I mess up every time. I can't do anything right.

But even if they're messing up, if I do a positive flip on it, and I'm not trying to be gushy here and so don't hit me with tomatoes, but you know, if I flip that and I go, you know what, buddy, you tried really hard again and I'm so proud of you for at least trying. Maybe next time we can work on it together so that we can both achieve it, or something like that, where you're working together and you're building them up. One of the resources that you'll see in a little bit that I have is a book that I love. I read it about 12 years ago. It's called the Power of a Positive Mom.

Being positive does not mean that you're sweeping things under the rug or pretending to be happy. It's noticing the good in your child and helping them feel valued and dealing with the challenges by problem solving, solving and finding the solution together. Problem solving. Wonderful, strong willed child. We are always problem solving together and speaking life.

Thoughts. Okay, I am going to read a verse from Ezekiel. Ezekiel 36, 25, 27. I will sprinkle clean water on you and you will be clean. I will cleanse you from all your impurities and from all of your idols.

I will give you a new heart and put a New spirit in you. I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws. And so this. This scripture, I feel like has.

It's just been. This was something I ran to when I gave my life back to the. The Lord and he was stripping away the worldliness off. Off of me. And I feel like this is what I keep going back to when I'm praying over my kids.

Lord, soften their hearts, you know, soften that stone, Give them heart of flesh and move them to you. But speaking about the power of your words, Winnie did a project last month for school where she took two plants, the same plant placed in the same room, same lighting, everything. And she took one, and it was her death plant and took it to a different room that didn't have any other plants in it and spoke death words to it. Whatever she was saying unkind things, I did it once. It was very hard to do, didn't like it.

And then she would take the life plant and take it to the same room, speak life to it. Well, I think it was maybe a week into doing this consistently, the life plant grew roots almost immediately, and it was about a month when the death plant started to grow roots. So by the. So it really is amazing. We're speaking to plants.

Just imagine what it's doing to a human being. Wow. So that is powerful. Wow. Yeah.

And with this, for us, we felt really strongly convicted years ago about putting off those just like you mentioned about, like those word curses to our children of just like Josh mentioned, if they mess up not speaking to their identity, but speaking to the sin that they chose to commit. And so, for instance, it. It's not, you are a disrespectful child. It was. No, you chose to be disrespectful.

It's a choice that they made and being really careful to use that type of language when correcting our children. And when and anytime we get close to that line or even cross that line, just like what was mentioned, being quick to apologize because the Holy Spirit has convicted us of that. So it was even just this past week, I forget what it was, but I said something to my son when correcting him, and I immediately felt that prick of the Holy Spirit. And I quickly said. I was like, nope, I'm sorry.

Should not have said it that way. That's not what I meant. This is what I meant to say. I'm sorry. Please forgive me.

For saying that. And I did that really quickly. He forgave me. We kept going like it didn't have to be this huge thing, but it's just acknowledge when you cross that line. Another thing that we try to do on so that's the putting off on the putting on of blessing our kids.

That's really where I feel like we've, we've been growing over the past few years. Some of the practical things that we've been doing. One thing that we say is see the good and praise them for it. And so when we identify, just like you were mentioning the good in our kids, we'll point it out and then we'll tell them because we're trying to train them to do this too. We'll tell them, hey, did you see how we just praised you for the good?

And it's also trying to balance like the speaking life or speaking well over them versus correcting them because we don't want the correction to outweigh the good. Right. One resource. I just listened to this audiobook last month. It's called the Power of a Parent's Blessing by Craig Hill.

You'll see it on the slide here in a minute. But with this, it's a phenomenal book on communicate and in communicating the importance of blessing your kids and the practical tools of how to do it. So I just want to recommend this. We don't have time to dive into all of that last practical thing on this with blessing your children is just like we I believe Danny may have mentioned this last week, but the Shabbat blessing so and how Pastor Nathan walked us through that a little bit ago, that's something that again, we're growing in consistency in we're not an every Friday family of doing this but we're trying to get there. And so with that as a father, the importance of speaking blessing over your children and your family in that setting has been good as well.

Candace, I know you guys had some resources that you guys had a slide for. Do you want to talk about those as practical resources for this? Yes. So I have just a couple of tools for you to use. These are tools we have the power of the positive mom.

Praying through the Bible for your kids, praying the scriptures for your children, praying circles for your children. You're praying, you're praying everything out of these children. The praying parents get out of there. And then Derek Prince's From Blessing to Curse. This is a great read for anyone.

It's amazing. Even if you grew up in a place that you did not get Blessings. You did not get words of affirmation. It walks you through that and teaches you the importance of doing that for your children. And then the last one is the five love languages of your children.

Something that you can start doing today is learning your child's love language and learning the best to understand their personality. Because when we know their love language, we know their personality, we will be able to bless them on a deeper level that will really connect to their heart. Something else that is practical and easy to do is if you don't already start praying with your children at night before they go to bed, praying over them, taking time to say, is there anything that you need me to pray for you for? Is there anything we can pray together and bless them in that way because it actually means so much to them. Amen.

And I will say this. Are there any men in the room that come come to Tuesday morning prayer? Raise your hand. So several of you guys, many of you know the power of a blessing. Every Single Tuesday at 6:30, right out there in the cafe, we have a men's prayer group.

There's 30 or 40 guys that meet every single Tuesday morning. And one of the things we do is we speak blessings over our parents, living or dead. Good relationship, bad, bad relationship, no relationship. And we don't qualify as well. They don't deserve to be blessed.

No, that's not up for you to decide that. It's the word of God that says, honor your mother and father, full stop. So we start with them and then we move on to our spouses, our wives. We bless them by name. Then we bless each one of our kids by name.

We speak life over each one of our kids. Then over our home, I say my address when I'm in there. So if you want to know my addresses, because on Tuesday morning, I speak life over that and then I speak. We speak life over our businesses and our jobs. Our 9 to 5, if you're a business owner, we go down the line to our government and speak life.

We speak intentionally positive blessings that God, because God is a blesser by nature and we are most like our father when we speak blessings over things. So it is extremely important to be men who bless, not men who curse. Cursing is a dime a dozen. But man, if you can be a man that will bless, man, you can change the culture. You can change the tide.

So we have one final question. We're going to wrap this up. So for parents who did not grow up receiving affirmation or blessing, how can they begin to speak life over their kids in a genuine way today. Taylor, why don't you mention some things?

Yes. So with this, we had already mentioned prayer with that. I mean, praying over your kids. Praying, praying. I know Andrew put together this resource and he'll reference it in a little bit of praying the Word over your kids.

So some of the things here are praying over your children's relationships, use of technology during a crisis, purpose in life, and a lot of categories, a lot of scriptures in praying over your children. There's plenty of these up here when you're done if you want to grab one. Please do. It's a great resource. One thing very practically that we do with our 12 and 11 year old is reading.

Encouraging them to read Scripture. Yes. So a very practical thing that we do is. All right, it is the 22nd. Proverbs.

22. Let's go. And we just read the proverb of the day. That's something that I've incorporated into my time in the Word. And so I already know what they're going to read because I will have already read it that day.

But just encouraging them to get in the Word and to get wisdom from the Lord in proverbs. Amen.

Thoughts? Yeah, yeah. Just like what I said before. Praying over them at night and just start speaking a blessing. Sometimes it might be awkward, especially if you're not accustomed to that.

If you didn't grow up feeling, hearing those things and feeling those things, it can feel a little awkward. So just start small if you have to and every day try to say one more positive thing than the day before to them and bless them a little bit each more every day.