Thrive Night | Marriage & Intimacy

Welcome to Thrive Night. It's the final teaching night of the year and it is the one that we've all waited, dreaded for. It's indeed it's gonna be a great night tonight. So, Andrew, I was actually having a personal conversation with Thomas and Mary Dellinger before we started. They're actually getting ready to leave tomorrow for Iceland, but they disclosed to me that they've actually never had sex before and they're really hoping to gain some knowledge from tonight.

So really, I really hope we can give them a grand slam. I hope so, Thomas. Good luck, buddy. Yeah. So.

So just. I hope it's good. I hope we don't let you guys down. So that's. Yeah.

Yes. So welcome everybody. Yeah. Thrive Night is tonight. We are for those who don't know me and my wife, my beautiful wife, Sam.

My name is Andrew. We're the young family's pastors. We also want to say a big shout out and honor our senior pastor, Pastor Jay and Melanie Stewart, for just believing in the young families ministry and making a path for this type of thing to happen. So we just want to say thank you to them. So, by the way, you can always go back and listen to any of the Thrive nights we've done throughout the course of the year on the Refuge app.

You can do that at any time. You can also send an email to young families. I have one faithful subscriber right here in the front row who always wants the notes. Thank you. Jordan's great.

A. Which is awesome. You can always email to get the notes if you'd like. So. Okay, we have some awkward things to talk about right up front.

Okay. So you guys all filled out some sheets. Sheets, That's. No pun intended. So some pieces of paper out in the concourse.

And we just. We wanted to just quickly poll the audience out there and kind of get some understanding. And I think Sam has some insight as to. Yes, I have some tallies. We've gained a lot of insight from everyone here tonight.

Yeah. So let's talk about it. Okay. What were the questions? Okay, the first question was.

And everyone followed directions. Nobody put their names on it. So that's great. We don't know how freaky you are or not.

Number one, did you receive the sex talk as a kid? If so, what age? So. So majority of people did not receive the sex talk. Really?

No. Can we do a quick show of hands? So I know who did not get the sex talk. I know. But I want to know.

I want to know. That's pretty. That's pretty. Easy. Yeah.

So majority of people did not receive it. You did not get it. If you did receive the sex talk, it's around the ages of 10 to 14. And then a couple of people said that they let their public school give them the sex talk, so. Which is true.

That's interesting. Okay, number two, if you attended a youth group growing up, was sex and marriage ever discussed during youth services? And how. Majority of people said no. And sex is bad and marriage is good.

So isn't that interesting? Sex is bad, but marriage is good. Right? That's very interesting. A lot of people wrote women should stay fully clothed and covered to the nth degree to not make men lust.

That's kind of the consensus. You should wear a quilt at all times. Yep. So, okay, number three, y'. All.

Okay, number three, we know this is awkward, so it's awkward for us too. Some. Some people are doing nothing else in the month other than having sex.

Now these are opinions. Life happens here, folks. In your opinion, how often should married couples have sex? Majority says four to eight times a month. Okay, you get your freaks.

And they're like 15 to 20, sometimes 30. So you're having sex every single day. That. That's. No, Thomas.

It starts tonight, buddy. We're setting the bar high, right? No, tomorrow. I slept. Sorry, man.

So, yeah, 30 times a month. I mean, you might need to see a doctor after that. I think you might. So. Right.

Okay. Have you and your spouse ever scheduled time to have sex? Like setting an appointment? It's 50, 50. Honestly, people.

50, 50. Yes. No. And some people said no, but that sounds like a great idea. So we got a couple of those.

Got a couple of those. We should try that. Yeah, they're like, I didn't know we could do that. So those are the people that are trying to get to the 12 to 15. Those are the people that are working on the partners.

I think we should all strive to get to that 30 mark. Yeah, I agree. No, I don't. I don't. I'm with you.

Is there a sign up sheet or a QR code? I don't know. Not happening. All right, number five. What do you and your spouse call or name the act of making.

I want to hear this. I want. Okay. Majority of people. I did pull a few that are too good, that were just really fun.

Do it naked time, sexy time. Sexy time, intimate time. And I need attention. I need attention. That was the majority of people of what they call the act of making love.

We've got it. We've got a few okay, ready for it. Here it comes. Go take a nap. Let's go take a nap.

I like that. Let's go take a nap. Let's do that. If I ever say, let's go take a nap, I actually want to take a nap. That is not an invitation.

I'm taking notes over here. If you come to my nap, you are in big trouble.

Mommy, daddy time. Mommy, daddy, Mommy, daddy time. Hallelujah. Pun, pun.

Hanko, panko. Praise God. This is probably one of my favorites. Target practice. Target practice.

Another. Mommy, daddy time. Okay, we've got an avid Harry Potter lover in the house, so Harry Potter and the Magical Carpet Ride.

Hibbity dibbity. Oh, my goodness. Bang. Okay. Just straightforward.

You know what I'm saying? And I think this one is gonna take the prize. And if it wasn't so awkward, I would have you stand up to take claim of this. Dino and Nugget time.

So I'm like, I kind of want to know. Dino and Nugget time. Let's. I don't know where that came from, but that's fantastic. Those are the names of creating intimacy with each other.

Okay, do y'. All. Is it better now? Deep breath. We've had some laughter.

Fine. It's not weird. Here's one thing I want to point out. So tonight, we're talking about marriage, intimacy, and sex. For those who are listening to this podcast at a different time, you're probably very confused up to this point.

If you're just turning this on, you're like, what in Dino and Nugget time apparently is. We're doing that so it can be uncomfortable for people. And we realize this. So many of us in this room have been married for, like, several years. By show of hands, who's been married longer than 10 years, just out of curiosity?

Okay, so I'll tell you about a third of the room or so longer than 10 years who's been married for less than two years. Okay, so a couple of people. All right, you guys, everybody else like having sex with each other. It's not a chore. Good.

Anybody more than more than 15 years in this room? Okay. Up here, up front here. Okay. All right, so we've got a few.

We understand. So many of us grew up in the 90s, and many of us grew up in the church in the 90s. One of the reasons why I asked this question or we asked this question about, hey, what did your youth group teach you about sex? Big fat nothing. Big fat nothing.

Marriage is great, but don't talk about sex. That's a. No, no, don't do that. I. We want to talk about sex tonight.

We want to talk about a few things that are very important. So the rise of technology in the 90s and 2000s led a flood of societal problems. This caused the church to come face to face with the rapid rise of porn availability and sexual exploration. So there was a major sexual innocence crisis that was at hand. So what was the church's response to this?

Purity culture. Anybody raised in purity culture? Anybody know what I'm talking about? Wow. A very large portion of you guys.

Okay, so this is for you. Hallelujah. I had a guess that some of us weigh here. So the highest goal of purity culture. By the way, if you were not raised in purity culture, that does not mean that you're unpure.

Let me just make sure I clarify that. So that does not mean that. Although. Say again, that's how I took it. Okay, so the highest goal of purity culture was saving ourselves from marriage.

Say no to anything related to sex now, and God will bring you a wonderful spouse and will give you guilt free sex later. So we saw purity pledges and purity rings and abstinence contracts and father daughter purity dances and galas and I mean the whole thing. Please, please hear me when I say this. Saving ourselves from marriage is biblical and good. Please hear that.

I want to say that very clear. That is what God wants. He does indeed want pure hearts. That's very true. But purity culture was fraught with unintended consequences of which we saw some of those answers of.

Nobody talked about sex. Nobody talked about the need for what sex is like in marriage and what it's supposed to be like. So it lacked the major facet purity culture did as far as biblical education and equipping about sex and its design from God. It lacked true discussion. So instead, many church leaders thought it'd be best just to not talk about it, not think about it, not acknowledge it, and frankly, not prepare for it in the context of marriage.

Therefore, we end up with like, all right, you're married now. Go get them. That's where Dino and Nugget time comes from. Okay, so we. I'm sorry, whoever that is, do not acknowledge yourself.

I'm saying that might come up several times tonight for me. I very apologize in advance. So after the wedding, some of there's no rules and also no guidance about how beautiful sex inside of marriage is designed to be. It's supposed to be a thrill ride, y'. All.

It is. Just go read Song of Solomon and you might become hot and bothered. You might need a cold shower afterwards. I'm not sure. But God does want to redeem all our mindset out of the kingdom of casual cultural darkness about it and plant us into the truth of authentic biblical intimacy.

So we're going to talk about that. So in preparing for the night, the scripture that we are going to pull a lot from Tonight is Colossians 1:9 14. We continually ask God to fill us with or to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all wisdom and understanding that the Spirit Spirit gives, so that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and please him in everywhere, every way, bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might, so that you may have great endurance and patience, and giving a joyful thanks to the Father who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of his holy people in the kingdom of light. For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son, Son he loves, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins. Amen.

This is a good place to say so. In looking at sex and intimacy, we all know that sex is tainted by the entertainment industry. It's a casual thing that you can just pop in and out one night stands. TV shows are all about, you know, just casual sex. Threesomes.

How, however they can distort what God has created is what's being broadcasted to us. The biggest thing that we are here tonight to acknowledge is that there are two kingdoms at play. Yes. And as we examine sex and sexuality tonight, we are thankful that we are looking at it from the kingdom of light and hopefully are going to erase or eradicate any thoughts, ideas and patterns that come from the kingdom of darkness. Satan does not want you to have great sex with your spouse and he will use anything to create ridges in your marriage, specifically through intimacy.

Anything. It's been stated that having intimacy with your spouse is one of the best ways that you can communicate with each other. Actually, one of our leaders sent us that. Of course, the enemy would love to break down the lines of communication in your marriage. And he will use any open door that you allow him or give him access to do.

As Christians, having the best intimacy is actually honoring of the Lord. Sexual and biblical intimacy is the fulfillment and the enjoyment that the experience can actually be good. It can be good. It can be good. A show of hands.

Who does believe that sex is good? I believe that it's good. It's good. That does not Mean that there are not people in this room that might feel a certain way about it, even though they know it's good. So what we want to talk about is Genesis, chapter one, verse 28.

I'm going to read this scripture. Then God blessed them and said, be fruitful and multiply, fill the earth and govern. It seems like a pretty straightforward verse. This. All this takes place before the fall of mankind.

God creates the idea of sex, the idea of intimacy, the there's only one way you can be fruitful and multiply, and it's through sex, guys. That's pretty much how it's going to happen. Only one way how this is going to take place. God spoke a blessing over the union of Adam and Eve, and he declared Amanda to first be fruitful. Let's take a look at that word, fruitful.

It does not apply to just the idea of a sperm meeting egg and multiplication of babies. That's just mechanics. Okay, so fruitful implies that. That the purity and joy of being totally intimate with another person should create a harvest of positive experiences with that one person, one of which is certainly multiplication, which some of y' all have mastered. That one.

So a plus for that one. But think about it like this. God gave a mandate to both of them, and it is specific explicitly because you will have a fruitful sexual relationship. That the second part of the mandate can happen to subdue the earth and rule over it. In other words, as we fill the earth, our lives should prove that his design was good.

That's what's supposed to happen. We multiply, it gives glory to God. His design is working, and it's fruitful and it's positive. So this puts us on a collision course with some biblical truths that have become social. No, nosy.

In the Christian church, we're fine with saying that the tongue has hundreds of taste buds that enable us to tell when food is hot or cold. But taste buds also give us the ability to savor something, to truly enjoy something. Did you realize that God did the same thing with your reproductive anatomy? It's about to get a little bit awkward for people, so just hang. Hang tight.

Just hang tight. So, hallelujah. Thank you, man. Thank you, April. God put thousands of nerve endings on the genitalia of men and women with the sole purpose of making sex a highly pleasurable experience.

There, I said it. Okay, we're all still here. Praise God. Some of you want to die a thousand deaths right now because we're talking about this. Maybe discussing sex has been awkward for you your entire life.

Which I get that maybe sex has become painful at times for a variety of reasons, physically or emotionally. Or maybe your marriage has been operating without a significant sex life for a while because of busyness or whatever. You are not in the 12 to 15 group that we read about earlier today. You're not in that group. Whatever the situation.

Here's the biblical truth. Fantastic sex is intended to be the fruit of a truly fulfilling and intimate marriage with your spouse. Intimacy in the marriage should lead to. To good sex. It should, because you're close with that person.

So let's talk about the intimacy piece tonight. We have a fun little acronym we've created that Sam's going to tell us about. Yes. So we've defined scripture. We know marriage is the only place where intimacy should happen.

But tonight we're going to talk about spice. Spice. We're going to bring some spice into our marriages. Hallelujah. Okay, so the first letter of spice is spontaneous sex versus scheduled sex.

There's a difference between the two of them. There should be no shame tied to having to schedule sex. Some of us are living the busiest lives we've ever lived. I'm taking this one, and you're taking that one. And then we're gonna meet.

And then we're tuning ships passing in the night. And here we is two weeks later, and we're like, have we even hugged? Did like, I know we're sleeping together in the same bed, but, like, we've not even hugged, let alone had sex. That's not good. And there's a lot of shame that could be tied to, like, well, I'm not scheduling sex.

That's ridiculous. I'm not in that place of life where I have to, well, what's better, scheduling sex or not having sex at all? So, so true. Because it is a place of communication in a marriage. And if you're not having sex, then there's a big open door that the enemy is going to use to come in and creep.

And all of a sudden, some things of the outside world are going to start to seem appealing because you're not being fulfilled in the bed intimately. So prioritizing sex, whether that is scheduling it out, knowing, hey, listen, we've got two nights this week. Boom. These are the two nights. And we are scheduling it out makes you prepared to enjoy the night.

And then also taking advantage of the spontaneity of sex. Like, the kids are asleep and I'm not tired, or it's Saturday morning and the kids are still asleep, and I'm not gonna scroll on my phone, we're gonna take the opportunity to take ADV of the spontaneity of sex. So defining the difference between the two of them, it's a 50, 50 cut between how many of us schedule it out and how many of it is spontaneous. But being mindful of, like, hey, listen, this is a crazy, busy life. We actually have to prioritize it or it's not going to happen.

Or instead of sitting down and flipping on the Netflix show, or sitting, you know, reading a book, we're going to be spontaneous. Or, you know, kids, go find grandma. You know, like, whatever you need to do to be spontaneous. Taking advantage of the spontaneity. So, yes, that is the first letter of the acronym Spontaneous versus scheduled.

Okay, so lots of us have kids in this room. Lots of us have a bunch of kids in this room. Let's just put it that way. I don't know how everybody else does this, but I'm like, the older they get, it's kind of like, man, mom and dad just disappeared for a little while or whatever else. The creativity level may have to go up.

Adult conversation. It does. And, like, we have to. We have to make a phone call to someone, to President Trump or something like that. I'm not sure what we gotta be.

It's very important right now. He does. He's calling a lot right now. He is texting my phone at all. And he texts all the time.

I'm like, trump, I'm so busy. So busy. I'm so busy. But I have to say, the creativity level for this whole aspect of kids are involved, I kind of think of it as like, that just means I have to try a little bit harder to figure out how to dupe them into saying, well, you know what? We just.

We really need a long time for that phone call or whatever else. I'm hoping that was the case. And I don't know, it can be awkward at times for people because of the nature of having kids. You have to get good at this. There's no way around it.

There's no way of not doing this. You need it. Also, not letting your son schedule your life, define your sex life. Amen. Making importance for it to be of high value in your marriage.

Amen. So what is the pea and spice pursuing your spouse? We've talked about some of this in April when we did Thrive Night about marriages and spiritual role clarity. So. And I think we did cards at the date night in March of your love language.

So if you don't know your love language, read the book finish. Figure it out. Pursue your spouse with your love language. Okay, so shameless plug right here. Are there any women in the room whose physical, physical touch is your love language?

I'm just curious. Okay, so there's a few. There's a bunch of them that it's not. So it may be something else. So, men, this is a cue about how to pursue your spouse.

So it might look like, hey, why did you fall in love in the first place with this person? They pursued you. Or at least I hope they pursued you. So we got to think about the qualities about each other that created that feeling of, I want to be with this person to begin with. So it's got to look like this sometimes.

Men, we're bad at this. By the way, text your wife throughout the course of the day. I get in trouble a few times. I don't know, several times per year because I let a whole day go by and I didn't text her one time. I didn't call her one time.

And I'm like, but why didn't I do that? I got really tied up. Whatever else. But I know in the back of my mind this is going to be like, super high scoring points if I do this, but I just don't do it. And that's happened to me many times.

And then I hear about it. So. But my point is that, guys, this is a big deal. Text or call your wife throughout the course of the day. It's a big deal.

Love notes. I love you today more than chocolate pudding or whatever. Something stupid like that. Whatever the case, maybe. Maybe chocolate pudding is like a really big deal in your household.

Whatever the case could be. But maybe kind messages as they go to bed or as they wake up, take something off their plate. Spouses. Either one. It could be picking the kids up when it's not your turn to pick them up.

Or it could be whatever. Whatever else is going on. Help around the house, speak their love language. She's talked about. Show up.

Well, that may require just examining how that's an honest conversation of, babe, how can I show up better in our marriage? Take notes and then do that thing that's pretty much like studying for a test. So flowers are good? Or gifts. Anybody have the giving of gifts as their love language?

Like you love receiving and giving gifts. Two or three people. Okay, what's the rest of y'? All? Is it acts of service?

Is there any acts of service in here? Quality time? There's a lot of acts of service. Words of affirmation, words of Affirmation. That's all men words.

Got a few of those, by the way. That's true. All men. We're like the family dog, man. You tell us, like, good job.

You think it's so good, and we just eat it up, man. Like, thank you. That's just a tip for everybody. Every woman in the room. Men love.

Men love to be admired or praised or just told you did a good job. It goes a long way. Like, I don't know why it goes such a far away. I guess we're really insecure people. I'm not sure what's going on, but it goes really far for us, so.

But last thing would be this dress for your spouse. It doesn't mean you can't just wear scrubs and hang out. That's fine. I love this, Troy, but when you. We heard you.

I know, but when you go to dinner and it's like, hey, I want to look well, man. Look like you're on a hot date with a hot person. Okay? Just dress for the occasion, possibly, and give a little bit of effort. Dress for your spouse.

And it's not like every single day I have to look like a supermodel, you know? But just every now and then, like, I'm just going to get a little extra. Like, for me, if this man wears a back backwards baseball hat and his Ray Bans, I'm like, boy, you better take those things off. I don't know what I did. I don't know what it is, but the dressing for each other.

So it's like, if he puts that on, then I'm like, that's my cue. You're cute. I wear that often. You're cute.

Don't wear it often enough. All right, what's the next thing? Okay, I. Intentional planning. All right.

For you men, know the time of the month. For your women. Don't come at us two days before we're supposed to start our cycle and think that's a great time to feel all the things and we don't want to be touched. Get away. We don't want to be touched.

That is not a good time. Do not come at us. And do not be offended when we tell you no, we don't feel like it. Plan know the time of the month that it might be possible. It doesn't take a rocket science to know that the Lord designed and created a woman's body, that there is a time of the month, that the hormones are very high, that it's the right time to even have a baby.

Try if that's what you're doing. Or if you could just practice the art of. There are certain times of the month, so be intentional with your planning. Know your spouse, know the time of the month and know the physical needs of your wife in that time. And show up emotionally.

Like, we don't just want to be honked and slapped and snuggled. Like, really, really. No, we do not. Like, we actually need you emotionally. You know, don't honk me anymore.

No, you don't do that. But let's just be honest. There's, you know, I'm going. Use that later, baby. I need a honk.

No. And it's not going to go far. No honks. It's not going to go far. We need emotional connection before we can give you physical attention.

So show up for us emotionally. Yes. Praise God. Steph Brown, I can totally hear you. Plan a date night or time away so that you can plan to have a good night.

You want to have a good night? Like, plan something for me. Show me that you're thinking of me and the busyness of life. Be intentional about purposefully getting a babysitter or, you know, you planned ahead and have something romantic or something. Something that you took time to be intentional about planning a special night for us.

It's very true. I will say this. This woman has put me to shame. And I'm going to say that openly and honestly. She has done many occasions where she will get the sitter, she'll plan, and then we'll go out to dinner.

And guys, I have felt like I have swung for the fences and completely missed the ball. Just missed it. My attitude was wrong or whatever else. I was busy with stuff or what have you. It's got to be something that we lead in as men that we are trying to actually pursue our wives.

And wives, we're grateful when you let us. When you let us honk, like you said. I'm just saying that's a great thing. I don't know. I actually don't know why I said that word.

No, I'm loving that right now. It kind of just came out. That's never happened. It's almost as good as Dino and Nugget time. I'm not sure you know, honk.

It's just. Okay, we're gonna cue the next thing. Light the candle. So enjoy the video. Yeah, go ahead and play that video.

But I think Christians should be leading out in this. Husband and wife. The marriage bed kept pure. We can have a lot of creative ideas in the marriage bedroom without bringing anything from the world into it. And all God's people said you're like, I don't know.

Depends on how far he's gonna go with this. I'm gonna start with the guys, just to help you out. Cause I love you and I care for you. And this is pastoral care. Tonight I want to give you a list on how to prepare your wife for a night of romance.

Okay? And if you're not having taken any notes, this is the time to start. And get your phone out and you start writing it down. Because we believe in our home, men are microwaves, women are crock pots.

That's number one.

We actually got a candle that we call the crock pot candle. And when that candle's lit, it means tonight's the night. I taught my kids to play with matches. You guys light that thing anytime you want.

I've lost count of how many times we've blown the candle out because of you kids.

But the candle can be lit and it means, okay, we have all day. So, guys, this is all day. We're preparing her for a night of romance. Okay, number one, it starts early in the morning. Number two, give her a non sexual touch before you leave the house.

That's what we call an NST. Okay? Dr. Gary Smalley says you need 12 of those a day. And it's not 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12.

You know what a non sexual touch is, right? It's the hair over the ear. It's a hand on the back. Is it maybe opening a door? And the hand on the small of the back driving down the road.

A hand on the thigh, holding hands. A gentle kiss on the cheek. That's a non sexual touch. Okay? Call her during the day.

Just add it to the list. Call her during the day for no purpose other than to connect with her. Just to say, hey, how you doing? I'm just calling this. I want you to know I'm at work, but I'm thinking of you.

Mmm.

Get home a little bit early. Do something domestic.

The sound of a husband vacuuming is foreplay.

If you beat your wife home. Get the dishwasher started. The key here is you don't even need dishes in it. Just catch. Get the dishwasher started.

The sound of the dishwasher going on does something to my wife. I can't explain it, but when I do any sort of cleaning around the house, she's like. And when she just looks at me, we don't even have to communicate with words anymore. She looks at me like you are my man.

The candle is lit. Download a lovemaking playlist. Oh, this is good. We got songs. You got songs.

We grew up in the 80s. We got songs. All I have to do. And if I don't even play it, if I sing it, it's even better. And I want to give you permission to join me as I start singing this song.

Okay, See, some of you know it's going to be good, but it's good. Listen, all I have to do is walk into the kitchen and start singing this. Now, I had the time of my life.

No, I never felt like this before, I swear. And she jumps in the air, I grab her.

And off we go. Now, see, all of this is building, right? And I try to help my brothers along in this because they're like, well, we don't really connect all day and we've been talking tired, and she's working and I'm working. We're doing the kids activities and we're getting home. But I always like to go into the kitchen about 9 o' clock and tap her and be like, hey, baby, you want to go?

And she says, no, right? You haven't prepared me for a woman. Sexual interest is driven by energy. This is so one of the best things to add to your list. I don't see anybody taking notes.

This stuff is like Jeff down here, it's so good. And he's a therapist, he already knows all this stuff. He taught it to us. But this is why you have to remove distractions. And in our home right now, we got a 10 year old distraction and a 12 year old distraction.

And most night the candle's lit, I have to run around the house going, stay away from your mother. Right? Leave her alone. Go to your room right now. I just have to say something to mom.

No, you're going to say nothing to Mom. You're going to leave mom alone. You can talk to her in the morning.

Amy, honestly, after a couple hours, she'll come out of the bedroom after taking a bath or something, she'll be like, hey, where are the kids? They're safe. That's all you need to know. You focus, you stay. I bet you guys know what I'm talking about.

You've done all this work, you've worked for 12 hours and the kid can say or do something. I'm not really in the mood. You stay focused.

I'll take care of the kids.

You gotta bring some candles into the bedroom. And this is where the ladies start to go. I'm kind of insecure. About my body. Well, put a votive in the far corner of the room.

Make him squint, but get a candle.

Okay, that's enough for the guys. Ladies, here's my list for you on how to prepare your husband for romance. Show up naked. That's it.

We don't need no calls during the day just to see how we're doing.

The house doesn't even need to be clean. You'd be amazed at how dirty it can be.

Paused. Anybody relate? Ted Cunningham. Good stuff. It is.

Women are crockpot. Men are candles. No, no. Microwaves. Microwaves.

Light the candle. There you go. Light the candle. Light the candle. Men are candles too.

That's. Yeah, men are candles. You just need to be lit, that's all. Hallelujah. Okay, communication is number C or number Bless the Lord.

Letter C. It's Friday night at 7:40. Can I get an amen? Okay. Communication. Talk about sex.

We should have freedom in our marriages and in the bedroom to talk about sex. Amen. We probably aren't and don't, but there needs to be talk about things that you enjoy, about the experience, things that you maybe wish you did more of. But also in the same breath, there needs to be freedom to talk about things. Things that you don't enjoy, things that make sex a chore.

Meeting the needs of your spouse. Sex doesn't have to be a race and the first one to the finish line does not win. So you need to have the freedom. There are a lot of women who truthfully don't enjoy sex because your needs are. Are not being met.

And unfortunately, men can get the bad rap that you can be very selfish and take over the time and think all about yourself. But there are two people in the marriage bed, so it is important to make sure you are taking care of each other's needs in the marriage bed and having freedom to make sure that you have a voice and you can say hate. Actually, I would enjoy it if we did it like this. There's no shame in it. In an intimate relationship and biblical intimacy, you should have the freedom to be able to say I enjoy or I don't enjoy or I wish or, you know, the 30 second quickie does nothing for me.

Actually, it's not helping out. Yeah, it's all for you. It's not for me. So having the communication is a big part of it and it's taboo to talk about it because you just don't. You just do.

But to truly enjoy intimacy in marriage, having open communication so that you make sure that both Spouses needs are being met and that everybody is enjoying the experience. Do you see now how much more difficult it is to have that conversation? When in high school or in your youth group, it was like, just don't talk about it. No, just don't do it. Then one day you'll get married and it'll all make sense.

Some magical fairy wizard person will come and teach you everything you need to know. Just don't worry about it right now. Well, that's baloney, guys. It just is. No preparation, no discussion about, hey, I have needs, you have needs.

How are we supposed to meet those needs? And there's also a litany of people who have had enormous abuse or trauma in their life as kids. And it's difficult to talk about things. It's very sensitive. That needs to be a safe place in the marriage bed where that's okay to say.

I struggle here because no shame about it. Work together on it. That has to be allowed. We just got to be more comfortable with having that initial awkward moment for some of y'. All.

Y' all have conquered that awkward moment, and y' all are doing fine. And for others, nope, Hands, distance. We're just going to get the deed done. We want to implore a change in that philosophy, that mindset. So.

Well, was there more on communication? Okay. E is execution, and that does not mean chopping off the head, just in case you're curious about that. So sex is an opportunity to develop your relationship with your spouse. But just like we learned in that video a few minutes ago from Ted Cunningham, women are crock pots all day long.

It takes time. Men just boom, right, right there, then and there. It doesn't mean that men don't enjoy the opportunity to also have longer sexual experiences. I think that that's part of the reason why men get this rap of, you know, wham, bam, thank you, ma', am, and we're on our way in two minutes. Because men don't realize that there's a good thing with developing an experience.

When I say execution, that means you got to do the deed. Yes. But there's a whole process of actually getting to the deed. This is that whole foreplay piece of it we talked about before beforehand. So you can develop greater intimacy with your spouse through a greater sexually intimate experience.

And we gotta know that the desires of your spouse need to be met just like your desires need to be met. So it's a great place for us to use the fruits of the spirit, like patience and self control. But, hey, it's not just about me. And I need to make sure I'm being patient, long suffering with making sure this person feels heard and seen, safe about what's going on. There will be times that you'll need to hold back your desires, possibly so that the needs of your spouse can be met and they can also enjoy full intimacy just like you want to.

So the challenge to everybody in this room, ourselves included, is to execute a sexual encounter that takes a while to develop. Some of you are like, dear God, get me out of here right now. And some of you are like, okay, I'm starting to click with the idea. When I say a while to develop, it doesn't mean, well, let's just go as fast as we possibly can. Yes, I understand.

We all have kids. Yes, I understand there's not always opportunity, but that just means intentionality has to come into play of how can we make this process last a little longer so we can actually just be close, be close. So that's a very big part of it. So plan it out together, which means you have to talk about it, which may be incredibly awkward at first. Maybe embrace the awkwardness and the excitement of talking about how to build up to a sexual experience that can be slowed down.

It doesn't have to always be a race. So that is the e. It's execute a longer sexual encounter that's purposeful. That's very important. Yeah. So the biggest question we are leaving with is how do you balance life, kids, sports, work, children and all the other 900 commitments, but still find the time to desire each other?

Because it's not even just about having sex. It's about desiring it, being intentional, about expelling your energy throughout the day, being realistic with yourself, and not throwing all of your energy into one avenue of your life. If you throw all of your energy at work, you throw all of your energy into your kids, then what energy are you throwing into your spouse? So being realistic of like, okay, I am going to mentally prepare my mental space for, okay, this is time for my children. I also need to make time for my spouse and I'm going to make time for work.

Communication with your spouse is one of the biggest reasons why, you know, marriages don't have great intimacy. If you are texting your spouse dirty messages throughout the day and reminding them of what is waiting for them when they get home. When the kids are in bed, you're going to be less likely to get the kids to bed and zone out in Netflix for two weeks hours and have them ask you, are you still watching or you're going to be like, listen, you gotta fulfill what all those text messages were about. Like, use those emojis. If you got kids who can read text messages, those emojis, they work, you know?

So when you are creating the desire all day long, you want to fulfill it at the end of the night versus being like, you know, catch you tomorrow. Catch it tomorrow. Too tired. That has happened so many times. So creating the desire all day long because we are crock pots.

Crock pots. Okay. When I first saw this video we showed you guys, she. For days, she was like, I am a crock pot, honey, you haven't even pulled it out of the cupboard yet. I was like, oh, man.

Do you know where it is? So do you know where it's at in the kitchen? Because you even touch the crock pot. You didn't even turn it on yet. So it took me a while to really start to pick up.

I've got to do a better job of what our. What our premarital counseling sounded like whenever we. 15, 16 years ago. How many times a week did you say? In our premarital counseling, by the way?

And a half years ago, I was in that crowd of people of, like, the 12 or 15 per month club. Per week. That was per week. If I had my way. Listen, if.

You know, if you've been around the refuge for a while. Pastor Terry Albright did our premarital counseling. And he definitely chuckled when Andrew, he's like, you stupid, stupid man. Stupid man. Nothing gonna happen.

Pop your bubble right now, buddy. No, but the advice that was given, he said, sex starts in the kitchen, man. It does. Starts in the kitchen, not in the bedroom. Because you gotta figure out how to turn on that crock pot.

Fill it up, make sure you're tending to it, make sure you're stirring it, make sure it's good. Those text messages that you send or I send those phone calls that. He's right on the video. Men don't really need them, but women love them, and they help to make sure the crock pot stays on. No one unplugs that bad boy.

So, Thomas, you can come back to the Keys. So, ma'. Am. Come on. Come on up.

April. April Savage, one of our leaders here. Y' all know I always have a story. This was really. I just really felt this on my heart to share.

I'm not gonna say nothing crazy.

Troy's like, let me climb under the chair. Amen. No, I just really felt led to share this with you all, because all of the things that we talked about spice tonight. I think it's really important for some of us. There are a lot of.

There's. I know this is called the young families, right? And there's some of us, you're probably. You're in your 20s, you're in your 30s. But then there are some of us that are in our 40s.

Amen. We're getting older. But I want to share this with you because I think, number one, you guys know how transparent Troy and I are. But when we were going through our seasons of infertility, I had what I talked about a few Sundays ago, just very significant health issues. And that led to me end up having a hysterectomy at 37 years old.

So at 37 years old, I was now a woman in menopause. That. That's not supposed to happen until you're 50, 60 years old. It changed our sex life tremendously. Right.

And so what we've talked about tonight, when we talk about pursuing your spouse, we talk about being intentional. When we talk about communication, that means that not only will you be able to. You can't just apply those things when everything is great and good. But what happens when your. When your wife's body changes and she can't.

Like, I remember we had. There were times when we. When I would have surgery every. We could not have sex for six to eight weeks at a time.

And we had only been married. This was the first five years of our marriage. We could not have sex. It wasn't. It wasn't a situation where we didn't want to.

We couldn't have sex. And then after that time would pass, then all the other things that would come about. I mean, literally, like, it was like, hell, I don't. I don't know how else to describe it. And then I was thrown into menopause.

And when you go into menopause, your body significantly changes. When we talk about having fibroids, endometriosis, pcos, all these things, your body changes. It's all different. So this is why it's important for you to establish these things, whether you have these health issues or not. You got to be willing to say, like, do you even want that anymore?

Is that what you need? Maybe when you first got married, it was hot and heavy, and now it's like, it ain't. It's kind of cold. And you're like, but I'm still doing what I was doing before. Guess what?

Maybe I don't like that anymore. Or maybe it hurts, maybe it doesn't. Feel good to me anymore. And you've got to open up that communication to say, you know what? Hey, guess what?

We've been married for. It'll be 10 years next year. I ain't giving it to you the same way I gave it to you 10 years ago. And it's okay for me to say, like, you know what? Actually, I don't like that anymore.

That doesn't feel good, Right? And so I just want to encourage you, like, this is not a science. It's an art. Can't know. There's no one that can sit up here and tell you, this is what you.

This is exactly how you handle it, and this is what you do. No, that person that's sitting next to you, they're the ones that need. They need to hear what you have to say, and you need to tell the other person what you have to say. And as you continue to grow, grow, and as you evolve, every moment when things change, you're gonna feel more. You're gonna feel more comfortable saying, you know what?

I just need to tell you, like, right now, I don't really want that anymore. I think, let's try something else, and if that doesn't work, then we'll try something else. And I. And I really. I'm telling you this because it's.

It's. It's so important, right? And I'm not telling you because Troy and I have it all together. There are times when Troy's like, what is going on with you? And I'm like, I don't know.

I'm tired. Put your CPAP on and go to sleep. Right? That's how I feel. And I roll over and put my CPAP on, and we both go to sleep.

Amen. Cause we tired.

Oh, okay. Y' all don't. Oh, y' all don't hear that? Okay, but that's real, though. It's true, right?

And I'm like. And I told him the other night, take that CPAP off. I can't. Nothing I could do with. You got that mask on.

What am I supposed to do with that?

And he's like, okay, baby, I won't put my CPAP on. I'm so serious. Both of us have a cpap, by the way, so that's a whole nother thing. But I'm just telling you, like, break down those walls. And maybe tonight, like, one of the.

The last thing I'll say is this. Someone gave us a deck of cards a few years ago, and it has all kind of questions in it. It's like, some of them is like, oh, my God, like, how are we supposed to talk about that? But it has opened up so much communication between this man and I. And sometimes we just sit on our bed and we just answer the questions and we find intimacy in whatever way that we possibly can.

And not only is it important for me and him, but it's important for Davion and Journey so they can see what it's like to have two people that love each other unconditionally and who are willing to grow and evolve with each other. This is the person that you're going to spend the rest of your life with. The least you can do is grow and evolve with them. Spice it up. Spice it up.

Amen. Thank you, April. Spice it up. So, guys, we're going to land this plane. I respect the fact you guys all have kids in childcare.

Give us an extra six or seven minutes, we're going to land this bad boy. If you guys are okay with that. So there's a couple things I want to say about this. She mentioned a great point. Your marriage may not be in a place after 5, 10, 15 years later where it's hot and heavy every night.

It's just not. You settle into a routine. It doesn't mean you can't pursue each other. It's very different. Pursuing intimacy means you've got to talk about stuff.

But one thing that's very important, that I want to make sure we mention this. I'm going to hit this really quickly, babe. There's a roadblock for lot of people in doing that. And that roadblock is shame. Shame's a big deal.

It comes from somewhere. Genesis, chapter 2. Man and his wife were created by God. Now, the man and his wife were both naked, but they felt no shame. This is the way God designed it for to talk about this, to have this experience, this intimacy without shame.

Imagine that. So why does it feel so awkward now? What happened? Very clear. The enemy wants to destroy your marriage.

He hates anything that resembles the likeness of God. He hates the intimacy you share with God and each other. He hates it. So he wants to undermine it. He wants to destroy it.

So he lays a trap at Eve's feet in the garden and says, did God really say. That's one of the things he said. That leads us to the whole reality about destroying sexual intimacy. It starts with this doubting God's design. Surely God didn't make sure.

This is just dirty. This is just weird. It's not supposed to feel good. It's not. I Feel weird about it.

That doubts God's design. God has indeed designed us for deep intimacy. Look how this played out after. This is Genesis 3. She took the fruit and ate it.

She gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it too. And at that moment, their eyes were open and they suddenly felt shame at their nakedness. They sewed fig leaves together to cover themselves. At what moment? At the moment of disobedience.

At the moment of disagreeing with what God said was truth. That's when it happened. So when we doubt God's design, it's to partner with a lie, which leads to being covered up with shame and being ashamed because of disobedience. And the end result is a distorted view of God and an unhealthy fear of being fully known. That's an unhealthy fear because when God came looking for them in the garden, Adam replied, I heard you walking in the garden.

So I hid. I was afraid because I was naked. Shame and fear, those are the primary tactics of the enemy. To destroy your marriage. To destroy the intimacy of your marriage and encourage comes with disobedience and doubting God's design.

Sex is pure and it's good. In the confines of marriage, it's beautiful, but we believe it's not for some reason or it's difficult for some reason. So this may be where some of you guys feel you're at right now, hiding from intimacy. So there's a few resources that are practical. I wanted to show you guys.

The first one. Yeah, this one right here. The Naked Marriage and the Counterfeit Climax two books are written by Dave and Ashley Willis. There's a podcast that goes with it. These guys are the XO Marriage, I guess, the co sponsors.

I think they're going to be in Atlanta when we go to XO in two weeks. So both of these books are phenomenal. I would highly encourage. It's great for both men and women. In addition to that, the next slide we've got, there's a book that's mainly for men, the sex talk you never got.

Many of you guys raised your hands. No one ever talked to me about sex. Men especially. There's this aspect of shame and not understanding the design of male sexuality and masculine sexuality that's designed by God. I would encourage you guys either get the podcast for it, you can.

You can listen to it on Spotify, or pick the book up. The second one is Kingdom Sexuality. It's a podcast. It's a little spicy. I'm not gonna lie.

It's A it's, it's got various contributors who contribute to it that are all Christian and they talk about detailed things that may be awkward. And I want to encourage if you need some resources that you're like, what can we do from a Christian perspective? Here's a bunch of them. And if you need these emailed to you, send an email to youngfamiliesuge.net and we can do it. Yep.

So kind of as we end the night talking about all the things and the intricacies and details of sex, whether it's awkward or painful, or if it's the greatest celebration in your marriage, we just want to end it tonight. Bringing glory to the Lord and thanking him for the light that we have. Hebrews 10:21, 22 says, and since we have such a high priest who, who rules over God's house, let us go right into the presence of God with sincere hearts, fully trusting him. For our guilty conscience has been sprinkled with God's blood to make us clean. Our bodies have been washed and are pure.

Amen. Pure. We've been sprinkled clean. We don't have to live in shame. We don't have to operate in a shame filled marriage.

We don't have to feel awkward about talking about things that please us. God gave you nerve endings in different parts of your body to be amazing because it's beautiful. So how we want to end it tonight is. In all the mess of shame and false intimacy, God still His design still exists. Be fruitful in your marriage and multiply.

Yes, it should bring great hope to us that even when we failed this and been marred with shame and guilt and regret about our experiences with sex and intimacy, God still wants us to carry out his heart on the matter. He still wants us to do that. He wants to redeem our mindset from the kingdom of darkness and firmly plant it into the kingdom of light.